It's Just Not Fun!--mix and ramble

Those are the words I hear from my daughter quite frequently when she is opposed to obeying and following directions.

"Why didn't you put your things away when you brought them to your room like I asked instead of throwing them on your bed?" -- "Because it's just not fun Mom."

Sometimes it just drives me crazy! Then I find myself telling God the same thing. I hear Him echo "Just wait, be patient and content, you will see everything work out in MY time."

I know God but it's just not fun!

I have not slept the last 3 days, actually sleeping for me for a while has been a difficult and unpleasant task. I am exhausted but toss all night long. The last 3 days my mind has been so preoccupied.

My grandfather is in hospice. He has cancer; has had cancer for the better part of 15 or so years. I remember he lost a kidney to cancer when I was 13. When I was 21 he was diagnosed with lung cancer which spread to tumors on his heart as well. He has defied all odds medically speaking and is even in the medical journal from 3 years ago. It's amazing God has kept him here this long and it makes me wonder why.

There are so many things I could see God using this time for. Some of which have happened and others, I realize it's not God's will. The doctors aren't giving him more than a day or two at best now. They made the decision to increase his morphine Friday so he is no longer eating or drinking; it shouldn't be too much longer.

While I am relieved he will not be suffering anymore, I have so much reserved hurt and pain from our relationship and pain I have harbored from the past. Prayers that for whatever reason were not answered how I wanted them to be and that is hard to understand.

I am anxious today for God to take him and that makes me feel guilty. You see, my mom is out there with my aunt right now. I took them to the airport Wednesday to fly out to Arizona. My mom is also very sick and was scheduled for a series of tests and scans to be done this past Friday. She has not had them done. My dad fears she has a bleeding ulcer (She's had one before and the doctors are now VERY concerned as she has been having complications since Christmas) and it is to the point where she cannot get up on her feet for more than a few minutes. ***may be TMI but this is a journal for me and she could use prayers*** She is passing redigested blood (black stools) and this is constant. My dad is worried she will be in the hospital too. Even more so, he is worried because as a boy he sat by his dad as he died and this was the last week's events before his death.

She refuses to be seen until after the funeral because she knows they will admit her. I am worried and trying to pray it over to God. I want to be with her but I can't take Caileigh out of school. Caileigh has been sick nearly every week, throwing up and then better immediatley following; that has me worried but the doctors think it's just coinsidence.

Soapy is always gone and that has me strung out a bit (As I know it does him too). I miss him. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want him here to make the decisions so I don't have to. I am trying to find care support for the kids while I teach after-school but it has become difficult so I am taking Caileigh with me and that means pulling her out 15 minutes early. I am worried that is going to get me in trouble but I don't know what else to do. I can't stop working, we need the money. I can't leave here there in the office for 30 minutes either.

I want to be able to turn all the worry over to God. I know I NEED to do this. I just don't know how. I need to get up and get ready to take us all to church, I want to be in church to feel a sense of peace but honestly I don't want to be around people. I don't want to pretend to smile and laugh when others ask "So how's your day?". I want to tell them honestly how it is without the shocked looks or the avoiding responses.

"I AM OK!" I really want to scream! I am just stuck in a spot right now that has me growing and sometimes it's "just not fun". I'm tired and just need some answers. I will be ok, God's will ultimately will take over. My grandpa will go to heaven soon and I will be able to work things out emotionally over time and with God's grace. If things get much worse I am relying on people around her to force her to the hospital. God will lead me to discover what Caileigh's problem is and why Braedon's doctors can't diagnos him. He will bring my husband home and help me move forward.

Right now it is just tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel and keep my mind focused on that light. I will be ok, "It's just not fun".

My first family photo session

This was my very first photography subject outside my own family. Isn't she adorable?!?

This is R, who I have known for years. She has such spirit and love; absolutely sweet and it was totally sweet to have the opportunity to take her family's pictures for their Christmas gifts and cards.

Thank You!!!

Getting back to the heart of things

Tonight I resumed a dance class that I started teaching at the end of summer. It is for preschool through first grade girls...or boys, but they tend to dance with "Mr. Mike" more; he's their hero. :)

The class was wonderful, the girls were so much fun (I teach all of them at other times too). We had a great time making up our own dances in the dark, playing Red Light/Green Light with a bouncy ball between our legs/arms/neck/shoulder/chin/feet...pretty much anywhere and anyhow I could think of.

After class was over and they left, I jumped into a dance class for myself for a bit. It is the first class that I have been to in atleast a year. That is sad. But what isn't sad and very exciting, is how much fun it was!!! I MISSED taking class. I missed hurting and feeling like my legs had turned to jello. I missed the classical, delicate side of ballet that really inside is my internal makeup. It was so refreshing and was therapy for my heart. I know I have missed dancing for myself and I know that I missed the exercise and the peace ballet brings for me but I didn't realize how much.

I came home happy, truely happy. That, I have not been in a very very long time. It is almost as if I can leave all my hurt, stress and frustration on the floor and walk away. It is such an amazing sense of peace. I am so lucky to have my husband home where he could watch the kids for me.

Tonight we had a great meal post dance. I made Taco Soup and Meatballs the other day with the 2lbs of hamburger I had in the freezer. The soup was enough for us all to have a very filling dinner last night, and three bowls of soup for lunch today. The meatballs I froze until this morning and we had spagetti with meatballs for dinner. I have only made meatballs once in the last 8 years and it was a HUGE flop! Tonights meatballs?? Well, they were amazing! They were so good I couldn't believe it. I was so excited and felt like I had accomplished a huge task today!

In other news...our Christmas stuff is almost all put away. I know,it is WAY past Christmas but to say life has been full of poop would be an accurate description..and everything else that comes with passing sickness around to everyone atleast twice. Thankfully, I have bleached EVERYTHING in this house atleast twice this week. I am praying all the germs are gone!

Soapy applied for a job with the railroad that would be such an answer to prayer in so many ways. It would help out the financial aspect of our goals without requiring some drastic measures on my part and would keep him home A LOT more than he is right now. I am very welcomed to that idea.

Braedon now says, "Peace Out Yo" and it is the cutest thing! Caileigh used to say it and it was adorable too. He is also in the midst of the potty training struggle and I pray that we both make it to the other side of this alive.

Caileigh got her report card last Friday. She has received P+ on nearly everything which is the equivalent of an A+. In her gifted/talented class she has been marked mostly High with one High/Avg. She is doing so well and we are so very proud of her.

Well, I think that is it. I am going to go do a quick workout before my husband gets back from the store and then I am getting a massage...he promised and I am not going to let him back away!! :)

So Tired and ready for BED

I think I may have some sort of bug...I am not sure if it's the flu as I only feel weak, extremely tired and cold a lot. I have no fever, no vomitting so that is good. Anyone else have these symptoms before??

It has been a long, long couple of days. Braedon seems to be completely off his schedule. He doesn't want to eat, sleep...fussy when playing. I am going to pass some of the fussiness off on the fact that he is indeed male so he automatically gets frustrated easily when things don't go his way. But his sleeping and eating??? That is weird.

He doesn't want any of his favorite foods. WHen he does want to eat he takes a bite or two and then gets frustrated and pushes it away. I haven't been able to get him to stay asleep until nearly 12:30 every night. Two nights ago he woke up at 2:30 screaming and when I finally went in there he was standing in the middle of his room clutching his puppy just screaming his heart out...needless to say it ended with him in bed with me for the remainder of the night.

We may also be back to his old health stuff. Last month, Dec 12th he woke up vomitting and began a week long stint of horrible stools. It went away, we prayed it was just a horrible bug that his body held onto for a longer period of time. Then yesterday it started back up and by today his poor little bottom looks as though it's been scalded. One cheek is raw and bleeding so diaper changes are miserable for both of us. This time he is much bigger and much stronger. He knows a bit more about hurt and I feel horrible holding him down to change him.

I am praying that the potty training we are working on doesn't stop and in fact progesses faster so maybe we can avoid the whole wiping of the bottom all together. I am just not brave enough yet to let him streak the house bottomless. We still have white carpet in parts of the house until Soapy and I can finish laying the wood floors....not fun to clean.

Good news, or at the very least optimistic, is a report on Hailey. I haven't talked to Robin tonight but as of this morning she posted on Facebook that the morning was starting well. They were with Hailey's first doctor and they absolutely loved him! Lets all pray for good results and moving forward in a diagnosis/cure!!

Well, I think that is it. I am going to go put myself in bed and pray everyone sleeps until the alarms go off in the morning for school!

Hailey's LOVE-A-THON

****UPDATE****
THANK YOU EVERYONE! We only have about 7 hours left before this Love-A-Thon completely closes. It surpassed my wildest expectations but then again, nothing is too big for God!

Thank you to everyone who has donated their money, prayers and help in so many ways. I know Robin is beyond words thankful! She and Hailey left today for Cleavland. I spoke with her for a few minutes yesterday and wanted to provide a short update as to their prayer needs.

Obviously they need prayers for travel, wisdom for her doctors, comfort for Hailey, a sense of peace and sanity for Robin, prayer that Jeremy and JJ are safe, happy and healthy while the family is apart. Robin shared that there is a possibility they will be doing some sort of exploritory surgery on Hailey's brain and that, as I can imagine, is very never wracking! If the doctors go down this path (which will only be decided after seeing and evaluating Hailey), Robin and Hailey could spend longer in Cleavland. Please pray that God allows these questions to be answered clearly and that the things necessary to extend their stay are provided in such a time that will allow Robin and Jeremy to feel confident that they can stretch their assets to cover it.

Thank you again to everyone who has read this story, passed on words of encouragement and prayers. I know Robin cherishes the positive comments on her blog; it gives her something to pick her spirits up and keep her going. If you have a moment, please stop by her blog every time you get a chance over the next few weeks and just drop her a little note.

THANKS! :)


Happy New Year everyone! I hope this post finds everyone well, refreshed from time together with family and friends and invigorated to begin a brand new year! We have had a wonderful few weeks together; enjoying time with both family and friends.

Today we spent some time in Denver with a dear friend of mine Robin Visbal and her husband Jeremy as they celebrated the birthday of their daughter Hailey.

Hailey is a beautiful, now 5 year old little girl. She is so sweet and has such a beautiful and kind spirit. Her favorite things to do are play with her "petshops", spend time with her family and wear anything pink!

Hailey suffers from Encephalopathy, seizures and alopecia. She recently spent nearly a week in the hospital (which included Christmas) due to one of these episodes. During an episode she is very much non responsive, combative and very unstable. To date the doctors are not sure what causes these episodes or how to control them.

This weekend Hailey and her mom have an opportunity to travel to Cleavland, Ohio to see a team of doctors that have accepted her into a diagnostic study. This is huge for Hailey! She needs this study, her family needs the hope that this study brings in finding answers and possibly a cure.

Unfortunately, due to Hailey being in the hospital and all that an extra stay brings financially, Hailey's parents are fighting to wrap up the financial aspect of this trip. All have left to cover is the stay (roughly $500) and money for food (for their time there, roughly $200). The trip and copays for the visit have already been taken care of and are non refundable.

I have attached links to Robin's blog, www.visbalfamily.blogspot.com , where you can read all about Hailey's history and medical conditions and to a Chip-In widget in my sidebar and in this post. You can donate directly to Hailey through this secure, online site. No one will be given your information and the money you send will go directly to helping Hailey's parents get her the care she needs and deserves.



Thank you SO VERY much for stepping in quickly and helping this family and this amazing little girl! I know they appreciate it beyond words!

In Which My Son Egged My House

Yes, it's true. My house was egged just a little while ago.
I am sitting next to my tree to relax while the perpetrator sits in time out.....I keep hearing "Sorry Mama, sorry Mama."

Caileigh and I were upstairs watching a Christmas movie and folding clothes. Braedon was in there with us but wanted his juice. He came back with eggs instead. Upon reaching the stairs he decided to take them out one by one and throw them at the steps.

Caileigh went to check on him and I hear "Mom!!!!! Come quick!!!!"

PLUNK....PLUNK....

More eggs cracking on the steps. As soon as I heard the sound as I walked down the hall I knew what it was.

So yes, my son should be great at pranking high school classmates because he already has a head start on everyone else. :)

PS-Eggs on white carpet do NOT look good.