Please pray for Stellan McKinney! He is going to be one tomorrow, October 29th. He is currently in PICU at Children's in Minneapolis, MN. He was taken there last night after going into SVT and not being able to correct himself. The night and day have been such a rollercoaster and have been VERY VERY serious.
He is such a precious and beautifully amazing child. Please send him and his family and the doctors all the prayers and warm wishes you can. They really need them right now.
To follow his story, please go to http://www.mckmama.com/ or click on the button at the bottom of my page.
Thanks!
Christy
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Not Me Monday
Braedon is such an amazing child. He is really growing up! So much that he is pointing and starting to say more "words". We went to Walmart and so did not want to crawl under a shelf as he pointed at a woman and said, "Dog, dog!" My child would never say something embarrassing like that, they are always well mannered.
While walking through the same trip to Walmart Caileigh was recounting the latest Biggest Loser episode. We love to watch this show together. After talking about the show, she did not, very loudly proclaim that she would like to go to the Biggest Loser campus but that she doesn't want to be one of the fat people that go there. Wouldn't you know there were plus sized people shopping on the same isle.....I would NEVER allow my child to talk about something so sensitive. She would never make me want to just crawl into the freezer just to get away from some of the looks I was getting.
Last, I most certainly didn't let a 4 year old babysit my 11 mos old (in the next room) just so I could stay and take one dance class, one free hour to myself. Not Me!
Happy Not Me Monday everyone!!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Kids, the say the darndest things!
So yesterday I picked Caileigh up from school and took her to use her Starbucks gift card on a hot chocolate. Yes, you heard me right, my 5 year old daughter got a Starbucks gift card as a birthday present. She absolutely loves their hot chocolates and we are trying to explain the value of money management to her so she doesn't make the same mistakes we have made.
On the way to Starbucks:
C:Mom, can I get a snack too? I am hungry.
Me: Well honey, Mommy used our play money up the other day to get us a slushy. We have to wait until next week for more play money. Can you wait until we get home?
C:I guess, but then how are we buying the hot cocoa?
Me: With your gift card, you still have money on it.
C: Then can I use the rest of the money to buy a snack? Then we don't have to use our money! It's like free money!!!
Oh, if only it were that simple. :)
So after our drive thru at Starbucks we went to Mardels, a wonderful Christian store here. It's like Sams is to Walmart; Mardels seems to have an amazing selection over some other smaller stores. We like to go and sit in the childrens' area and look at all the new things. On our way out we saw a sight that interested and perplexed Caileigh.
C: Mom, look at those girls! They have pink stripes in their hair!!! That's weird.
M:Uh huh.
C:Mom, when I get older, like 10 can I put pink in my hair? Pink is one of my favorite colors.
M: (not wanting to start opening that issue) Well honey, lets see how things go when we get to that point. Okay?
C:Okay, what about doing it now? I could look like Lady Lovelylocks (yes, I had that book as a child and have passed it on to her)
M:Well, you need to ask your Daddy about that one. This is a pretty big thing so both Mommy and Daddy need to agree on it together or the answer is no.
C:Well I don't want to ask Daddy first. Let's do it and then tell him.
M:laughing-Nope you need to ask him first, those are the rules.
C: Well, I can just wait until I am older and then I can do it anyways.
Kids say the darndest things!
On the way to Starbucks:
C:Mom, can I get a snack too? I am hungry.
Me: Well honey, Mommy used our play money up the other day to get us a slushy. We have to wait until next week for more play money. Can you wait until we get home?
C:I guess, but then how are we buying the hot cocoa?
Me: With your gift card, you still have money on it.
C: Then can I use the rest of the money to buy a snack? Then we don't have to use our money! It's like free money!!!
Oh, if only it were that simple. :)
So after our drive thru at Starbucks we went to Mardels, a wonderful Christian store here. It's like Sams is to Walmart; Mardels seems to have an amazing selection over some other smaller stores. We like to go and sit in the childrens' area and look at all the new things. On our way out we saw a sight that interested and perplexed Caileigh.
C: Mom, look at those girls! They have pink stripes in their hair!!! That's weird.
M:Uh huh.
C:Mom, when I get older, like 10 can I put pink in my hair? Pink is one of my favorite colors.
M: (not wanting to start opening that issue) Well honey, lets see how things go when we get to that point. Okay?
C:Okay, what about doing it now? I could look like Lady Lovelylocks (yes, I had that book as a child and have passed it on to her)
M:Well, you need to ask your Daddy about that one. This is a pretty big thing so both Mommy and Daddy need to agree on it together or the answer is no.
C:Well I don't want to ask Daddy first. Let's do it and then tell him.
M:laughing-Nope you need to ask him first, those are the rules.
C: Well, I can just wait until I am older and then I can do it anyways.
Kids say the darndest things!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Letter to my Angel
You can skip over this post if you want. It was more or less a way for me to get my thoughts and feeling on "paper" and to have later as I look back on life. I just need to say it so maybe it will help resolve. If anyone reads this, please pray for me. I am having a hard time dealing with this and it makes me angry. I dont want to hurt over this anymore. I am so happy and blessed to have my two children, especially Braedon after all the miscarriages. That makes me angry that I cannot let it go when I have been blessed with these two beautiful children.
Angel,
It's been two years since I had to say goodbye to you. I feel silly sometimes hurting so much over a baby I never held, you weren't even in my for that long. I never got to feel you kick or watch you suck your thumb. I heard your heartbeat though and for 12 weeks I knew you were mine!
But I was wrong; you weren't mine. You, just like all my children, are God's. He took you just like he took the others for reasons I don't understand.
I never wanted a big family but if I could have God grant a wish it would be to have all my children back. I think maybe that's why I wanted to get pregnant again and was upset about Daddy's surgery. I know it's not true but somehow I guess I feel like having another baby would bring you back or fill the hole you left. I know now after having your brother that your spot can't be filled no matter how many babies I have.
I miss you, so much. It hurts still so bad. I hoped that hurt would go away but it doesn't. I remember my time with you like it just happened. I remember the details of what I wore, where we went, the doctors' appts, telling your sister, hearing your heartbeat, seeing you jump around, and not hearing your heartbeat.
I remember sitting there crying and how wonderful Caileigh was just hugging my foot. I remember calling your Daddy and driving 4 hours to go pick him up. I remember that morning signing permission for them to take you from me. I hated it! I wanted to keep you, forever. I cried and hurt; I still do.
I think about you all the time and wish I could have held you, even for a moment. Did you look like me? Did you have my button nose and your Daddy's eyes and smile? Was I to have another little girl like I suspect you were??
Why couldn't you stay? What job has God given you up there? Are you running and playing? Do you sing and help take care of the animals? Please tell the others I love them and miss them. Please watch out for these children down here hurting and sick. I pray God will let you watch over us too.
I love you and miss you so much but am so thankful I got a second chance at giving life to a child. Caileigh and Braedon are my world here and I am so lucky to have them. I love you and someday I will be able to hold you and see how beautiful God created you.
Love you!
Mommy
Angel,
It's been two years since I had to say goodbye to you. I feel silly sometimes hurting so much over a baby I never held, you weren't even in my for that long. I never got to feel you kick or watch you suck your thumb. I heard your heartbeat though and for 12 weeks I knew you were mine!
But I was wrong; you weren't mine. You, just like all my children, are God's. He took you just like he took the others for reasons I don't understand.
I never wanted a big family but if I could have God grant a wish it would be to have all my children back. I think maybe that's why I wanted to get pregnant again and was upset about Daddy's surgery. I know it's not true but somehow I guess I feel like having another baby would bring you back or fill the hole you left. I know now after having your brother that your spot can't be filled no matter how many babies I have.
I miss you, so much. It hurts still so bad. I hoped that hurt would go away but it doesn't. I remember my time with you like it just happened. I remember the details of what I wore, where we went, the doctors' appts, telling your sister, hearing your heartbeat, seeing you jump around, and not hearing your heartbeat.
I remember sitting there crying and how wonderful Caileigh was just hugging my foot. I remember calling your Daddy and driving 4 hours to go pick him up. I remember that morning signing permission for them to take you from me. I hated it! I wanted to keep you, forever. I cried and hurt; I still do.
I think about you all the time and wish I could have held you, even for a moment. Did you look like me? Did you have my button nose and your Daddy's eyes and smile? Was I to have another little girl like I suspect you were??
Why couldn't you stay? What job has God given you up there? Are you running and playing? Do you sing and help take care of the animals? Please tell the others I love them and miss them. Please watch out for these children down here hurting and sick. I pray God will let you watch over us too.
I love you and miss you so much but am so thankful I got a second chance at giving life to a child. Caileigh and Braedon are my world here and I am so lucky to have them. I love you and someday I will be able to hold you and see how beautiful God created you.
Love you!
Mommy
Remember my Angel
Two years ago today Caileigh and I sat at the OB's office as they did a routine ultrasound and found there was not a heartbeat. Two years ago today I lay there on the examining table as he told me he was sorry and to take all the time I needed. Really? All the time I needed??? Well, I still need time. Is that fair? I sat there that day crying, wondering how I was going to call my husband and tell him while he was working out of town. How was I going to call my family and tell them that yet again, we had lost our baby. One thing I did not have to wonder was how I was going to tell Caileigh she would not be a big sister.
Caileigh sat there and she knew. She picked up that this time, there was not a rapid thumping resonating through the room. She knew when I started crying something was wrong. She so sweetly and innocently stood there, hugging my foot while I layed there and cried. She held me, my 3 year old held me. She was my rock that afternoon as we drove to another office for a second ultrasound to confirm what the first doctor found. They did and she sat quietly and patiently waiting.
The next couple days were the worst. It happened on a Friday so I had to wait until Monday morning to go in for a D & C. When I got there and started filling out the paperwork I had the hardest time. I couldn't do it. I had to sign a paper listing my procedure as an abortion. I LOST MY BABY! I wanted to scream at the lady behind the desk that I was not giving her away, I had lost her. My body wasn't letting her go, every part of me wanted that baby.
Later that Christmas season Caileigh needed me. She came and asked me why the baby had to die and why she could not be a big sister. She asked if she could be a baby in my tummy again so God could take her to heaven too to be a big sister. I wanted to die, I was torn for my sweet daughter who was obviously hurting more than I realized. I was hurting for that bond that she had with our unborn baby and the fact that our baby would not be able to know her big sister's love.
It still hurts and I am still torn. Caileigh drew a picture the other day of our family and included an angel baby with wings. She said that was her sister in heaven. We both have been having a hard time I guess this week. I sat down last week and wrote two songs (in progress mind you...they are nowhere near complete but I hope to make them that way soon) and a letter to my precious little Angel. I am hoping these will help heal the hurt that I thought I had come to grips with and accepted and had moved past. Do you ever move past this? Ihave accepted it, and I know some day I will see all 4 of my miscarried children there but will I ever not hurt over it?
Here are the two songs:
Angel of Mine
How could I know I would miss you this much?
I barely knew you but it was instant love the moment I met you.
You weren't even born but my love for you had grown far more than I knew.
I dreamt of your smile, your laugh, the sparkle in your eyes.
I imagined your first cry,
I saw your first steps,
They all play over in my mind.
Why did you have to go?
Your father and I miss you so.
I wonder what you'd have been like,
my heart, his eyes.
I pray for you each night and day,
Wishing God didn't take you away.
Please know that we love you,
Your brother and sister too.
Sweet Angel of mine.
Untitled
There's a song in my heart
That I know I've heard before.
It bekons me to call
On the Onw who knows my heart!
Lord, You are my hope, You are my strength.
You are the One who knows my pain.
Lord build me up, show me Your way.
Please take this pain away.
Don't let this define me,
But let it remind me of Your miraculous unfailing love.
Caileigh sat there and she knew. She picked up that this time, there was not a rapid thumping resonating through the room. She knew when I started crying something was wrong. She so sweetly and innocently stood there, hugging my foot while I layed there and cried. She held me, my 3 year old held me. She was my rock that afternoon as we drove to another office for a second ultrasound to confirm what the first doctor found. They did and she sat quietly and patiently waiting.
The next couple days were the worst. It happened on a Friday so I had to wait until Monday morning to go in for a D & C. When I got there and started filling out the paperwork I had the hardest time. I couldn't do it. I had to sign a paper listing my procedure as an abortion. I LOST MY BABY! I wanted to scream at the lady behind the desk that I was not giving her away, I had lost her. My body wasn't letting her go, every part of me wanted that baby.
Later that Christmas season Caileigh needed me. She came and asked me why the baby had to die and why she could not be a big sister. She asked if she could be a baby in my tummy again so God could take her to heaven too to be a big sister. I wanted to die, I was torn for my sweet daughter who was obviously hurting more than I realized. I was hurting for that bond that she had with our unborn baby and the fact that our baby would not be able to know her big sister's love.
It still hurts and I am still torn. Caileigh drew a picture the other day of our family and included an angel baby with wings. She said that was her sister in heaven. We both have been having a hard time I guess this week. I sat down last week and wrote two songs (in progress mind you...they are nowhere near complete but I hope to make them that way soon) and a letter to my precious little Angel. I am hoping these will help heal the hurt that I thought I had come to grips with and accepted and had moved past. Do you ever move past this? Ihave accepted it, and I know some day I will see all 4 of my miscarried children there but will I ever not hurt over it?
Here are the two songs:
Angel of Mine
How could I know I would miss you this much?
I barely knew you but it was instant love the moment I met you.
You weren't even born but my love for you had grown far more than I knew.
I dreamt of your smile, your laugh, the sparkle in your eyes.
I imagined your first cry,
I saw your first steps,
They all play over in my mind.
Why did you have to go?
Your father and I miss you so.
I wonder what you'd have been like,
my heart, his eyes.
I pray for you each night and day,
Wishing God didn't take you away.
Please know that we love you,
Your brother and sister too.
Sweet Angel of mine.
Untitled
There's a song in my heart
That I know I've heard before.
It bekons me to call
On the Onw who knows my heart!
Lord, You are my hope, You are my strength.
You are the One who knows my pain.
Lord build me up, show me Your way.
Please take this pain away.
Don't let this define me,
But let it remind me of Your miraculous unfailing love.
Not Me Monday
I love Not Me Mondays, it allows me to air all my dirty laundry and join other women in the realization that contrary to how our week has gone, we are all great moms in spite of our mistakes! To read other NMM go to MckMama's blog at http://www.mckmama.com/
So it was another week without my husband and I most certainly did not procrastinate in cleaning the house just because no one was here. I always have all laundry done, folded and neatly put away where it belongs before it has even cooled from the heat of the dryer. I never leave pots in the sink like I most certainly did not do this week washing by hand what I needed just so I don't have to empty the dishwasher.
I did not give Braedon a new box of Cherrios in the car while my dad and I fished Friday night just so he would stop screaming and give us more time to night fish! :) I did not use the back of my Tahoe as a playpin for the kids to confine them to one space since it was 30 degrees outside.
I did not go 4 days without a shower just because I used Braedon's nap times to take a nap myself or chat with friends online. Taking one at night or setting my alarm to get up that much earlier in the morning wasn't an option. :)
Lastly, I didn't drive around today for two hours looking for errands to run just becuase it was the first time Braedon has slept soundly and I had a moments peace and quiet.
There, I feel better! :)
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Still Awake
Tomorrow marks 2 years since I lost my last miscarriage. I am still awake. I can't sleep. I haven't slept all week because for some reason my mind is fixed on this date, on this memory and I am greatly burdened. I am conflicted because I don't feel I should be so sad. I have two wonderful and beautiful children. God has blessed be before and after this loss with a precious child. I don't feel I have the right to be sad that I am missing out on this child but, I am sad.
I have had 4 miscarriages but out of them all, this one has stayed with me. I remember the exact date I realized I was pregnant, the exact date I found out there was no heartbeat and the day I had to rid my body of my lifeless baby. I remember every moment of the last two days as though it happened yesterday and I hate that. I don't want to remember. Not the pain, not the loss, not the humiliation as I walked into church and saw all my pregnant friends and had people talk about my pregnant belly. I felt LOST, EMPTY, BARREN, SAD. I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide and sometimes I still do.
If it wasn't for Caileigh sitting there with me as the doctor told me what I had already seen on the ultrasound screen, there was no heartbeat, my baby was dead, I don't know what I would have done. She sat and hugged my foot as I cried. She sat and hugged me as we waited for the second ultrasound. She cuddled me that night and all weekend as I sat and thought about what was to come Monday.
Monday came and I hated it. I had to sign my name to a paper that labeled my D/C as a result of an abortion. I layed there in the bed and waited for the doctor and the anesthesiologist to come and begin. They came in and tried to be very nice about explaining the procedure. I was given the anesthetics and began to cry as I knew it would all be over with in a short while. I remember telling Soapy, "I am so sorry." My first words as I came out of the anesthesia was, "I lost my baby, I don't have it any more. I am so sorry." And those are the words that I have heard every day this week.
I am still awake hearing these words. I can't sleep. I wish I didn't have to remember this. I don't want to forget my baby and have the ultrasound picture with me and an ornament that I bought after the loss. It doesn't take the place of having that child in my arms right now.
I fear letting my son grow up, either one of my kids to get too far away from me. I don't want to lose them. I know they are in God's hands and He is taking care of them and their future. It is up to Him as to how they live their lives. I find myself still wanting more children and I think part of that reason (not all because I have been able to sort my thoughts) is due to wanting to fill that hole. I think a small part of me feels that if I can have another one it will make the pain go away but it won't. No child can take that baby's place.
I miss my baby. I know God has a hand in every part ofmy life and there is a reason why that child did not live here on earth. I know some day I will be able to meet this child along with the other three in Heaven.
I have had 4 miscarriages but out of them all, this one has stayed with me. I remember the exact date I realized I was pregnant, the exact date I found out there was no heartbeat and the day I had to rid my body of my lifeless baby. I remember every moment of the last two days as though it happened yesterday and I hate that. I don't want to remember. Not the pain, not the loss, not the humiliation as I walked into church and saw all my pregnant friends and had people talk about my pregnant belly. I felt LOST, EMPTY, BARREN, SAD. I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide and sometimes I still do.
If it wasn't for Caileigh sitting there with me as the doctor told me what I had already seen on the ultrasound screen, there was no heartbeat, my baby was dead, I don't know what I would have done. She sat and hugged my foot as I cried. She sat and hugged me as we waited for the second ultrasound. She cuddled me that night and all weekend as I sat and thought about what was to come Monday.
Monday came and I hated it. I had to sign my name to a paper that labeled my D/C as a result of an abortion. I layed there in the bed and waited for the doctor and the anesthesiologist to come and begin. They came in and tried to be very nice about explaining the procedure. I was given the anesthetics and began to cry as I knew it would all be over with in a short while. I remember telling Soapy, "I am so sorry." My first words as I came out of the anesthesia was, "I lost my baby, I don't have it any more. I am so sorry." And those are the words that I have heard every day this week.
I am still awake hearing these words. I can't sleep. I wish I didn't have to remember this. I don't want to forget my baby and have the ultrasound picture with me and an ornament that I bought after the loss. It doesn't take the place of having that child in my arms right now.
I fear letting my son grow up, either one of my kids to get too far away from me. I don't want to lose them. I know they are in God's hands and He is taking care of them and their future. It is up to Him as to how they live their lives. I find myself still wanting more children and I think part of that reason (not all because I have been able to sort my thoughts) is due to wanting to fill that hole. I think a small part of me feels that if I can have another one it will make the pain go away but it won't. No child can take that baby's place.
I miss my baby. I know God has a hand in every part ofmy life and there is a reason why that child did not live here on earth. I know some day I will be able to meet this child along with the other three in Heaven.
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