Thy Will Be Done Lord

This week is such a sensitive week for me, each year. Ever since I was a little girl, I have had an unreal realization of what Holy Week is all about. Maybe it was hearing the story read each year, going to the Good Friday services, watching the Passion plays (I am sure the "guard" that ripped Rainbow Bright from my terrified hands as he walked down the aisle when I was 5 years old didn't help)....who knows. But as a child I had it in my mind that when Good Friday rolled around and noon hit....that was it. NO. MORE. JESUS!

That's right, I convinced myself that each year from noon on Good Friday until sunrise on Easter, Jesus took a break and the world was on their own. Not even the comfort of knowing my parents were there could help me. I would lay awake until I absolutely passed out praying God would send Jesus back soon or that the sun would just come up. Somehow seeing the promise of light renewed my strength that this weekend was almost over and the joy of Christ's ressurection was almost here.

I was the first to jump out of bed on Easter to get dressed and go to church. Forget the Easter Bunny, I wanted my dad up and dressed, driving me to church so we could set up the sound for sunrise service (my parents were very active in the music ministry...thus meaning my sister and I followed suit). When those first rays of sunshine peaked through the clouds I could breathe. It's like I tried to carry the weight of the world on my tiny shoulders for three days....
                                  That is a lot of weight!!!

I have since grown out of this misconception but it is something I always reflect on each year. God's shoulders must be pretty tired! The burden I tried to put on myself was unbearable and I was only a kid, trying to deal with the weight of my world. I am so blessed to have the Lord on my side; he is always there.

It is me who is not always there and for this I am struggling right now. This week Braedon is having some procedures done at Childrens' Hospital in Denver. I am a wreck to say the least. I can't shake this feeling of complete and utter panic like fear that there is something the doctors are missing. These tests Thursday he has not done well with in the past, he has had reactions to the anesthesia and that has me extremely nervous. Once again, I am trying to carry the weight of my world on my shoulders instead of giving it to God.

All the way to Denver today I kept repeating in my head, "Let your will be my will, let Your ways be my ways. Lord, let Your will be done in my life and in Braedon's life. Lord, I committ my child to you." --I mean it most of the time but it sure would be nice if I meant it all of the time. I so badly desire to align my life with God's purpose for me; fear and insecurity hold me back. What if I disappoint Him? What if I can't do what he calls me to do perfectly? What if the adjustments I have to make (referencing a book study, Experiencing God, that our small group is doing and I plan on touching on each week as I work through this journey) are greater than what I think I can stand? What if those adjustments meant giving up control of my children and the well being I think is best for them to be God's idea for their well being? What if God's idea is not what I want? How can I be at peace with this???

How was Jesus able to be at peace with "this" -the "Thy will be done" thing? How could he sit there knowing he would be crucified and not run away? He could have, he was fully capable of that decision. How was He able to give it all to God and voluntarily walk into all the pain he had to experience? How could he hang from the cross and in one breath ask God why he had been forsaken and then give himself wholly over to his Father? How??      I   WANT  THAT   PEACE!!!!!!!!

I want to be able to give up control. I want to be able to breathe easily at night when I got to bed knowing God's "got this". I want to be able to sit calmly through Braedon's procedure Thursday not anxious over the outcome. I want to give God all my worries and pain for I am too tired to carry their heavy burden any longer.

LORD, please take these from me. Renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence Lord. You know the plans you have for me, for Caileigh, for Braedon, for Soapy. They are plans to prosper and not to harm, to give hope. Allow me to give up control over the plans for our lives and rest in the peace of knowing that whatever the end result, it was Your plan from the beginning; before I was ever created in my mother's womb.

Lord, let thy will be done.

Real Quick

I can't write long, I have to get ready to go teach my little ones how to dance (or they teach me how to give up control....still not real sure who teaches who sometimes!). I am so excited for those of you who have helped raise money for the love a thon! I know we have reached our goal but I am sure if anyone felt like still donating it would be greatly appreciated and you have a chance to win some really cool prizes on some of the sponsoring blogs!

This week we could really use some prayers. Our house closes Wednesday and after that we will be free from a house in another state that has been weighing us down. Please pray that we don't have any problems getting things signed and turned over to the new owner.

Soapy is returning to traveling this week for work. :( My birthday is on Easter this year and we are all sad that he won't be here to celebrate with us again (he missed last year too, Braedon's first Easter). He is putting in job applications this week and we are praying God will lead us to where we are supposed to be....I am trying to also let go and realize that the right job will come in His time, not mine. We thought he may have a job lead that would get him out of traveling in the next two weeks but it hasn't worked out. I was very dissapointed and kind of upset so I spent some time with God having my attitude adjusted and hearing Him tell me that it wasn't HIS time......lesson learned...until I get impatient again and hear it again (it is my life long challenge).

Most importantly, Braedon goes to Denver Childrens' Hospital this week on Tuesday for an upper GI w/ a follow through and then Thursday for a colonoscopy/endoscopy. I am very nervous about these as last year he came out of it not breathing well and was hospitalized on oxygen. Please pray for him that he comes out ok. Please pray the doctors can find what is bothering him and a cure. Please pray for my nerves as I sit there alone because Soapy will be working Thursday and I have a large unshakeable fear that there is something really wrong that everyone is missing.

Thanks friends, to everyone I know and don't for reading and praying for our little man. :)

It's A.....

Through this crazy space called blogland, I've been privileged to get to know a great lady named Ellyn. She's got quite a story.




She doesn't think she's strong, Ellyn (even after losing her precious Eli, raising funds to allow her deaf fourth-born to hear and surviving a divorce that was just finalized this week), but she's far too strong to ever ask for this kind of help. Well, that's what friends are for, right?! Sarah and Mandy thought up this brilliant Love-A-Thon and we're happy to ask on Ellyn's behalf (and, by the way, she has no idea we are doing this)!



Well ok, she might now.



In order to stay in her home, the only home Seth has ever known, she needs to raise $2,400 by the end of the month. If you don't know her story, and why she is in danger of losing the family home, just click here. But we're warning you: you will fall head-over-heals in love!



To keep this little fundraiser completely legal, you will not be donating money in exchange for raffle tickets. Simply donate (any amount helps), and then comment to tell us you have done so. Mandy is giving away a blog makeover, and Sarah is giving away four (yea!) Jared Anderson CD's. Renee is also giving away some fab prizes on her blog so go check them all out! I will give away a Mary Kay $10 gift certificate to someone who comments after donating on my blog!

If you are interested in the blog makeover (and I know you are!), comment on Mandy's post. If you are interested in some rockin' praise music (and why wouldn't you be?), comment on Sarah's post. If you are interested in Renee's prizes, comment on her blog. If you are interested in my prize, comment on mine. If you're interested in all of them, comment on all of them! :)




Wanna help more?! Of course you do!



If you'd like to place this Chip-in on your blog and possibly offer your own prize to commenters, just let Sarah know. She'll put you on a list so that all Love-a-thon participants will have a chance to enter your giveaway as well!

Life is so precious and way too short-Let's raise money for these precious lives!

Today, while taking care of my sick baby boy, and spending some much needed time with my mom, I got a tweet about Layla Grace going to "play with the angels" this morning. My heart just sunk. I knew this beautiful girl was losing her earthly battle with cancer and it was probably coming very soon but still, as a mom, my heart just cried and broke for her family. I have not been able to get her or Kate out of my mind all day today. Both of these little girls are battling cancer, one is 2 and the other 6. Both are way to young to be facing such harsh truths about life. Their families are learning too many harsh truths about life; I don't know how their parents continue each day, it is so hard.

Following their stories and praying for them daily reminds me of how lucky I am. How lucky I am to have two beautiful children that I get to hold here on earth. How lucky I am to have a wonderful husband and parents loving enough to let us stay with them. How lucky I am to have such great health to care for my children and for right now, I get to stay home and raise my children. I am so lucky, no, blessed...I prefer blessed. It makes me want to run upstairs right now and pick up my sleeping babes and just rock them and hold them until morning. I never want to let them go.

I have made a decision tonight and I would love prayer, support and anyone who would like to help me with my decision. I have decided to start my Mary Kay business again. Once I lost our last baby and then two months later became pregnant with Braedon, I quit. There was no working anything. I was NOT losing another child. Since his birth I have been so overwhelmed with caring for him and trying to be his advocate in his health struggles that I have not paid any attention to my business. Now, I have to. I have to or it will be a decision made to go back to an 8-5 (which we all know is more 7-6 with childcare drop off) office job. It will mean leaving my children with someone else and all the colds and viruses that go along with that. I can't do that to Braedon when we have no idea what is wrong with him and the medications he continues to be on are compromising his immune system.

So I am going to work and dedicate myself to blessing other women in their lives while I work to provide the best care for my children. What do I need? I need encouraging words, prayer and honestly, I honestly need faces and ears. I need people who would experience the Mary Kay skin care (there is glamour too and I do touch into that but I am concerned with educating women on good skin care to protect them from cancer, the sun, aging, etc) and give me their honest opinions. I need women who are looking for something to add to their life as a way to make a few extra bucks or to support a whole household on (it can be done, I used to sit and have lunch with women who made $15,000 a month easy). I need women who are willing to share what I do with their friends, even if they don't think it is for them, there are people they know that they can pay it forward to.

Anyone who helps me in my quest will receive my thanks, prayers in return, and a gift for helping to grow my business. Please just email me and ask me how. As a way to pay it forward, I will donate 15% of ALL sales to Kate and Layla through Easter Sunday (it also happens to be my birthday). Please just leave me a comment that you would like to help and I will contact you. You can help by placing an order, holding a party, having a facial yourself (near or far away), holding a book party, listening to the career opportunity; just let me know!

Back to Blogging

I have been  a bad blogger lately. With Braedon being in the hospital, out and in and now out again.....I am exhausted! We are getting better though, PTL! We took a pulse/ox reading last night, the alarms only went off a few times but not long enough for me to have to turn the oxygen on. I still think its an apneia issue...we will see.
I took the O2 tubes off his face this morning; that's the first time since they were put on (aside from when my new friend Jennifer took family pictures for us last week while in the Springs for the Focus on Marriage simulcast). He is so happy to be free! I have been taking a twisty tie and tying up the cord behind him and then stuffing it up his shirt so it would stay out of the way. He has also had the pulse/ox cord running from his foot up his pant leg and then also tied in with the O2 hose. He is currently sitting here next to me in the kitchen banging the pots and strainers together having a great time!
When I am done, we will take the monitor back for reading, go do some grocery shopping and then head home for nap time! I love nap time!!!! :) I am going to get so much done today during nap time I can hardly wait!!! There's finishing the cleaning, putting away the laundry, setting up our new fish tank that I got handed down from my grandmother. It is one of my favorite things from when I was a kid; I loved to help her feed the fish when we would come to visit. I am also looking forward to sitting down and spending some time talking and listening to God.
See, WE. SOLD. OUR. HOUSE!!!!!!! We did! The man loved it and actually sent us an offer while we were in the hospital but it was ridiculously low and we turned it down. Well, he loved it so much he came up a whole $14,000! He is military, I think, and needed to have a contract signed last weekend and needs to have it closed no later than the end of this month. I cannot believe it; it is such an answer to prayer!!!!
There are so many more things I want to lay out here, on my blog, but it will have to wait until this evening after the kids are in bed. I am going to be writing several more (smaller I promise) posts to play catch up from the last three weeks. I have some thoughts I would like to share and get some advice on some of them too so please come back and keep up with me as I hash through it all!
Have a great day yall!

We Are HOME!!!!!!! :)

Monday night, the doctor came in, at 8:30 pm. We had already settled in for the night, ordered dinner from the cafeteria and were getting Braedon ready to sleep. She came in and said we were free to go home, as long as Breadon stays on oxygen and gets regular check ups on his oxygen %. We were tempted to wait until the next morning to leave but there was a snow storm already coming in and was supposed to snow through the morning. I didn't not want to be driving home on bad roads so we quickly rushed to pack everything up and at 10:30 walked in the front door to our home.
Caileigh was already asleep and despite trying to wake her she would not. So Braedon gave his sister a kiss on the cheek and that was that. He was so excited to see her, his dogs and toys. He got too excited and we had to settle him down and up the oxygen for a bit. He rested so well Monday night, slept the entire thing!
We had the home care company come out and bring us oxygen and a nebulizer. He does better with the inhaler (struggling and such) but the results aren't as good so we are going to try and transition him to the neb. instead.
Today he has been very happy and wanting to play more. He is getting worked up easily and worn out quickly. Little steps, one at a time....just try telling that to an active almost 15 month old (tomorrow! he is growing so incredibly fast).
Thursday he has an appointment to check his oxygen and to meet with his primary doc, Dr L. He is going to help me with working out a plan for weaning off the steroids and the oxygen, if he's ready. We are going to talk about Braedon's adnoids and tonsels...the doc @Childrens thinks they may be swollen (too large naturally) and that could be causing some of the breathing problems, along with when he gets sick they cause the opening in his nasal passages to be too swollen for them to drain and for the colds to clear up.
Once the colds get bad then he goes into an asthma attack showing us how he reacts like last week.

On top of the asthma and cold stuff, he was also dealing with a typical food allergy attack too, All things combined caused him to get extremely dehydrated and having difficulty breathing. We are scheduled to see a specialist Dr F at Children's in Denver to persue some GI issues, including EE and EG. These two conditions are eosenophillic diseases that have no cure but can be medically controled along with a diet. They can come across as food allergy reactions but all of his allergy testings are inconclusive. These diseases could bring all of his GI issues to rest. Or maybe not. Either way, GOD is in control and I am remaining vigilant in my prayers and continued reliance on Him.

It is hard as a parent to do this. As a parent all I want is to make him better. RIGHT NOW! You hurt to see your children hurt and hurt evenmore when you cannot immediately make it better for them. This is a process though and God is challenging me to grow in my ability to rely on Him, give Him the control to care for my child and to increase my ability to be patient and be an example in all of these to my family but importantly to my children. I pray every day that Caileigh would see what her brother is going through and realize how important life is and how precious her ability to love and have a family is. I pray that she would learn from me as I FROG (fully rely on God). This is so important to me.

So for now, I am praising my God for bringing Braedon home. Despite a bit of oxygen and some meds, he is happy and getting healthy. I am so thankful that it sin't anything more severe. Sitting in the hospital hearing children crying and parents crying and code alarms going off on the floor was scary and something I never want to directly experience. I am so thankful for my two beautiful children that I have here on earth and looking forward to the day when I get to meet my children in Heaven.

Thank you for any of you that have prayed for my son and for our family.

Prayers Please

I know I haven't blogged in FOREVER but things have been hard. We are in the hospital, for almost a week now. One week after tomorrow. Braedon came down with a cold and it turned into something unmanagable with his allergies and asthma. We headed to the ER last Tuesday night after he had been vomitting and refusing to eat/drink for three days. High fever, they think just because he was so overrun. They admitted him becuase his oxygen levels were so low. He has been on it almost all week until Friday night when he had a wonderful night. We thought yesterday he was going home, got discharged, packed and were awaiting discharge instructions. All of a sudden his O2 dropped again and had to be put back on. We weren't going home.
Today we are sitting here waiting patiently and honestly I am really being patient. I am ok with whatever God has in store for us and don't want to leave in haste. He is still on some oxygen and I don't mind taking him home on it. I am worried about why he is on it if his lungs are clear and his heart rate is dropping too and they aren't sure what's causing that.
I guess we wll find out sooner or later. Please pray that our doctor today takes the initiative to run some tests to figure things out. Please pray that Braedon's asthma gets under control and we can go home to be a family this week. It's been really hard on Caileigh not being able to have her parents both home and she really misses her brother.
Thanks!