Right now we are in the stages of potty training and sleeping in a "big boy" bed. Both are proving to be challenging and rewarding....more the first than the ladder.
Braedon is on day #3 in his big boy bed for both nap and night time. The last two weeks I have been transitioning him gradually to his toddler bed to try and make this switch as painless as possible for everyone involved. The one lesson I have already learned though, is he can unlatch the childgate in his doorway. I hate the idea of putting one up, sort of like caging him in, but he is not safe to be allowed to run the house. He will do just that, run the house. :) I awoke to him screaming...to find toothpaste all ove the bathroom floor, syrup smeared all over the kitchen and him laying right in a great big puddle of it. I either didn't have the latch on the gate pulled all the way down or he just figured it out himself. Bad morning.
I quickly cleaned everything up, gave him the first of three showers for the day and we went about our day.
Potty training is another challenging moment. He wants to do it so bad and asks to sit in there often. We go occassionally, most successfully right after breakfast but he is getting too independant. He wants to take his own diaper off, he wants to wipe his own bottom.....do you see where I am going with this?? Well, urine wound up being ALL over the bathroom floor and him, and his clothes. Thus began more household cleaning and disinfecting.
Last week I started a new business. I am now a Consultant for Partylite! This works out perfect for our family. Soapy and I both enjoy burning candles 24/7, Caileigh loves how "pretty" they are when flickering and Braedon loves to smell and of course expects everyone within a 20 foot radius to smell too. It also works out that these wonderful scents are helping to keep my house smelling toothpaste-minty fresh, like fresh served maple syrup pancackes and the most favorite...stale urine. (side note: why is it that no matter how hard you scrub a bathroom with disinfecting wash that smell cannot come out of the floor and grout?)
In the next month I am to hold 6 parties. I had my starter show this past Thursday and honestly was very disapointed. I had 8 women coming and 4 outside orders...well, 2 came and I had 1 outside order......I only had 2 orders from the party. The premise of the company is there is no startup costs for your kit and to join the company, all you are asked to do is a $350 starter show to pay for your starter kit. Easy enough...or atleast it normally should be. I am hurting for sales. I am atleast $125 short and really need to finish these orders tomorrow morning. I have been praying all weekend and today that God would send me my final orders needed to provide me with the sales required to start my business. I know that once I can get past this show, I will be great! I have my shows booked (I still need one more but I am sure it will come) and am determined to be successful.
I have to, need to be successful. Not for the fame, or the trips, or the money...well, kind of for the money. I just want to be successful so Soapy can come home. I am tired, the kids are tired, he is tired of working such long weeks away from us so much. It makes it so hard on the kids. To try and find a non traveling job is very difficult right now and the pay is way less than what we can afford to live off of. I need to be working but with Braedon, I cannot put him in daycare just yet. I need a different idea. I need this business to work, to be our answer to our prayers for our finances. When Braedon was sick we put a lot on our credit card in order to make things work. We now have debt there that we have been working so hard to erase. Trying to make this house healthy for the kids has had its costs too. I need to be able to start paying these debts off.
Please, please pray for me that God would send me the final orders needed for my show by tomorrow. I need them to come through. Please pray He would lead me to the right shows and the right people who would like to hold parties and take advantage of the wonderful gifts and sale opportunities Partylite is offering. I do have to say, some of the sales are too good to pass up! Not only are the sale prices great but hte product is unmatchable in my opinion. They are lead free, the burn clean, they are long lasting and don't burn hot enough to burn little hands. They are non-toxic which, for us, you can imagine is a wonderful thing. Braedon has already tested out this claim and it is true; the worst that will happen is his diapers may be a little loose. Not that I feed him candles, I promise there is real food in the house.....2 year olds are just so quick and so quiet sometimes!
So anyways, that is me reaching out for prayer in my "suffering" of today and giving my stress and worries over to God. Now, I am going to head to bed because like it or not, tomorrow morning is going to come early and school will not wait until I feel rested to get up and take Caileigh to school. :) Goodnight!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Growing in our Sufferings
Our small group from church recently started a new book study, Be Hopeful by Warren Wiersbe. We have only gotten through the first two chapters so far but it is speaking to me in so many ways. The whole book is centered around 1 Peter and what his letters were about and why they were written. The hope is that you are able to see how God is using you during your suffering and the hope that He has you there for a purpose.....like I said, speaking to me.
The past two years have been particularly difficult on our family. I am normally one to shrug to the world and say, "It's ok, we'll make it through." or " It's just life right? I'm ok, don't worry." while inside I am crying and screaming, " I am not OK! Someone please see right through my smile and pleasantness and just take over! I am drowning and too proud to ask for help or even prayer."
Because, you know, I am a first born perfectionist....Irish and German stubbornness runs deep and the pride of asking for help admits weakness and then I have to admit to myself that I am truly, in fact, struggling. I HATE HATE HATE that! I am better at denying my struggles and smiling because if I admit to having them, then I panic and get overwhelmed and begin to fall apart. I put the cart before the horse and am doomed to failure before I start.....are you seeing a pattern?? I,......I,.....I....there are too many "I's" in this paragraph.
One thing we talked about yesterday is admitting your sufferings to yourself and to others. It is not healthy nor is it wise to deny them; especially to yourself. Denial does not allow for God's full growth in you. If you deny that you are struggling, you are not admitting that you need help beyond yourself. You are not opening yourself up to allow others to serve you, or to allow God to speak to your soul through your trials and the kindness awarded by others.
I am often at fault for this. I think, "Well, I am doing the single parent thing this week, there is no one else but me. I don't want to call for help from others (you know, the ones that offer help and really mean it) because I don't want to burden them; they are already maxed out in their own lives." And then I do the worst thing possible. Instead of turning from my friends and turning to God...the one I should go to first off, I turn back to myself and try to solve the world's problems on my own.
In the above scenario, I have just pushed God and my friends away. My friends either think I am doing just fine and then are stunned to hear that things have been a wreck; or they are turned off by knowing full well that I am struggling and too proud to ask for help. It's a mess!
Lately I have not done a good job of asking for help and crying out to my God for his help and comfort. I have instead "muddled through" the crisis, asking others to pray but not stopping to pray myself like I should. I blame severe fatigue, being overwhelmed, trying to just make it through the moments. I am ashamed of this and realized yesterday that I have not given God my sufferings.
How do I expect Him to lead me to my final lesson in all of this if I cannot give it completely over to Him to begin with? I feel like I did not learn a single thing from Braedon being in the hospital in May. I mean, I did, and I will never forget what God has done in our lives since that moment...but somehow life gets to be too much about the world and not enough about Him and you begin to forget to give Him the time he deserves. You lose sight of what you learned and swore to never take for granted (I do believe that is why God asks us not to swear....it's always a lie, we never stick to our promise).
I believe that is why God allows us to experience sufferings and trials a few times in different ways; until we get it permanently. I know I "get it", I just don't know what to do with "it" or how to allow it to change my life. I am still not sure how I am supposed to grow out of all this.
I have found myself the last 3 weeks kind of going on a backwards slope in this area. Since we closed on our house, my mom had a stroke, I got a concussion which has been and is still very difficult to heal from, Caileigh was hospitalized with Viral Meningitis, Braedon got a concussion and a puncture wound on his head, Soapy and I got food poisoning, Braedon had what I fear my have been his first real full circle GI episode since June....and now I am starting a new business venture that is not starting up in the most promising way. I am swamped with mental overload. I am overwhelmed with so many emotions and want to just sit and have a really good cry. I told my sister yesterday via facebook that I just don't know how much more my heart can take of this no beach thing. When I was stressed or overwhelmed, that's where I went; the beach. I would sit and think and pray, cry, go for a walk...it always cleared my head. I need to clear my head for a bit, gain some perspective and listen for God's direction.
I feel like there is too much noise, too much chaos here in town to hear anything. I am trying to grow through my sufferings but I feel more or less like I am passing from one to another without learning anything from the previous. Tonight I am praying for some help, some guidance, some silence so I can hear God speak and grow through my sufferings.
The past two years have been particularly difficult on our family. I am normally one to shrug to the world and say, "It's ok, we'll make it through." or " It's just life right? I'm ok, don't worry." while inside I am crying and screaming, " I am not OK! Someone please see right through my smile and pleasantness and just take over! I am drowning and too proud to ask for help or even prayer."
Because, you know, I am a first born perfectionist....Irish and German stubbornness runs deep and the pride of asking for help admits weakness and then I have to admit to myself that I am truly, in fact, struggling. I HATE HATE HATE that! I am better at denying my struggles and smiling because if I admit to having them, then I panic and get overwhelmed and begin to fall apart. I put the cart before the horse and am doomed to failure before I start.....are you seeing a pattern?? I,......I,.....I....there are too many "I's" in this paragraph.
One thing we talked about yesterday is admitting your sufferings to yourself and to others. It is not healthy nor is it wise to deny them; especially to yourself. Denial does not allow for God's full growth in you. If you deny that you are struggling, you are not admitting that you need help beyond yourself. You are not opening yourself up to allow others to serve you, or to allow God to speak to your soul through your trials and the kindness awarded by others.
I am often at fault for this. I think, "Well, I am doing the single parent thing this week, there is no one else but me. I don't want to call for help from others (you know, the ones that offer help and really mean it) because I don't want to burden them; they are already maxed out in their own lives." And then I do the worst thing possible. Instead of turning from my friends and turning to God...the one I should go to first off, I turn back to myself and try to solve the world's problems on my own.
In the above scenario, I have just pushed God and my friends away. My friends either think I am doing just fine and then are stunned to hear that things have been a wreck; or they are turned off by knowing full well that I am struggling and too proud to ask for help. It's a mess!
Lately I have not done a good job of asking for help and crying out to my God for his help and comfort. I have instead "muddled through" the crisis, asking others to pray but not stopping to pray myself like I should. I blame severe fatigue, being overwhelmed, trying to just make it through the moments. I am ashamed of this and realized yesterday that I have not given God my sufferings.
How do I expect Him to lead me to my final lesson in all of this if I cannot give it completely over to Him to begin with? I feel like I did not learn a single thing from Braedon being in the hospital in May. I mean, I did, and I will never forget what God has done in our lives since that moment...but somehow life gets to be too much about the world and not enough about Him and you begin to forget to give Him the time he deserves. You lose sight of what you learned and swore to never take for granted (I do believe that is why God asks us not to swear....it's always a lie, we never stick to our promise).
I believe that is why God allows us to experience sufferings and trials a few times in different ways; until we get it permanently. I know I "get it", I just don't know what to do with "it" or how to allow it to change my life. I am still not sure how I am supposed to grow out of all this.
I have found myself the last 3 weeks kind of going on a backwards slope in this area. Since we closed on our house, my mom had a stroke, I got a concussion which has been and is still very difficult to heal from, Caileigh was hospitalized with Viral Meningitis, Braedon got a concussion and a puncture wound on his head, Soapy and I got food poisoning, Braedon had what I fear my have been his first real full circle GI episode since June....and now I am starting a new business venture that is not starting up in the most promising way. I am swamped with mental overload. I am overwhelmed with so many emotions and want to just sit and have a really good cry. I told my sister yesterday via facebook that I just don't know how much more my heart can take of this no beach thing. When I was stressed or overwhelmed, that's where I went; the beach. I would sit and think and pray, cry, go for a walk...it always cleared my head. I need to clear my head for a bit, gain some perspective and listen for God's direction.
I feel like there is too much noise, too much chaos here in town to hear anything. I am trying to grow through my sufferings but I feel more or less like I am passing from one to another without learning anything from the previous. Tonight I am praying for some help, some guidance, some silence so I can hear God speak and grow through my sufferings.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Today was better
Today was a much better day. Caileigh struggled with a fever and nausia all night, poor thing. I let her sleep next to me so I could hear her happenings. Her fever finally broke around 5am and she slept until 1030! I think her body really needed that.
She was pretty low key until her brother woke up this afternoon and it was like she hit a whole new high! She was so hard to keep toned down and on the couch or in bed. I kept trying to remind and coax her into calming down but she has missed her brother so much and he so wanted her to play with him.
We had dinner and....you guessed it, the tummy aches came back and a slight fever too. I bathed her to cool her body down and put her to bed; which she was more than obliged to listen. Here's hoping that the bath did the trick and she sleeps peacefully through the night. I hope we are on the mend and it's only up from here. :)
In other news, I put her to bed and tried to give Braedon some quality snuggle time. He loves to rock and have me sing to him before he lays down. On the way to his room I thought he grabbed his milk cup on the table as he walked through. It was a waxed birthday candle instead. He had taken a huge chunk out of it....so to the poison control number I went and laughed about his attempt to give me a nervous breakdown. She assured me it is ok, not to worry and to just give him extra water.
There is never a dull moment in out house! So glad she is getting better, thank you everyone for your prayers. I know the extra thoughts going up has helped her to heal!
She was pretty low key until her brother woke up this afternoon and it was like she hit a whole new high! She was so hard to keep toned down and on the couch or in bed. I kept trying to remind and coax her into calming down but she has missed her brother so much and he so wanted her to play with him.
We had dinner and....you guessed it, the tummy aches came back and a slight fever too. I bathed her to cool her body down and put her to bed; which she was more than obliged to listen. Here's hoping that the bath did the trick and she sleeps peacefully through the night. I hope we are on the mend and it's only up from here. :)
In other news, I put her to bed and tried to give Braedon some quality snuggle time. He loves to rock and have me sing to him before he lays down. On the way to his room I thought he grabbed his milk cup on the table as he walked through. It was a waxed birthday candle instead. He had taken a huge chunk out of it....so to the poison control number I went and laughed about his attempt to give me a nervous breakdown. She assured me it is ok, not to worry and to just give him extra water.
There is never a dull moment in out house! So glad she is getting better, thank you everyone for your prayers. I know the extra thoughts going up has helped her to heal!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Catch up and apologies
Wow, I cannot believe it has been over a month since I have posted....I am sorry. So much has been going on that I have not even had the energy.
Quick recap: in the last month my Mom has had 2 possible TIA's, we are waiting for MRI results. We bought a house on the 18th of August and have been working night and day to tear out the old carpeting (32 years old) and replace it with wood floors ourselves in order to try and make it as clean for Braedon as possible.
Two weeks ago I gave myself a serious concussion while trying to build a fence on our property. I am scheduled for an MRI this week since my dizziness and nausea has not gone away yet. My mom went from being the one cared for to caring for me since Soapy is gone. I have not felt comfortable driving until recently and even now I don't go very far.
A week ago, Braedon had a pretty good outbreak with his digestive stuff. It's the first real bad one since June. We meet with his allergist this Wednesday and we are hoping to hear about test results soon from the genetics lab at Children's.
This past Wednesday Caileigh came home complaining of a headache. That night at Awanas she burst into tears and grabbed her head with sudden pain. We went home where she soon after began vomiting and running a high fever. Twelve hours later she was complaining of a stiff neck so we headed to the doctors. They tested her visually and decided to send her home and treat for a sinus infection. Thursday night we were back at the hospital doing a spinal tap and taking blood tests. Her tests showed Meningitis! We have been at the hospital doing IV fluids and antibiotics ever since...up until last night. Saturday night the vein collapsed and we had to restart her IV. Normally this wouldn't be anything big except her veins are extremely hard to find. We worked on it from 6:30 pm until midnight with no luck. They called in the ICU nurses, NICU, flight for life EMTs and anesthesia to try. NO ONE could get it in. They decided to stop as it was not working and she was in hysterics by then. The decided to wait until this morning to make a decision.
So far there are no growths in her cultures which is GREAT! That means she most likely has a viral form of meningitis. She could have caught any virus and her body mutated it thus giving her meningitis. It is NOT the meningitis that is contagious but the virus that is. It could simply leave someone feeling yucky, tired may be a slight fever but would be gone a few days later. She was not so lucky and her doctor said he only sees maybe one or two cases a year of meningitis. He was so excellent. He was on call the night she came in and he met us at the hospital to see her for himself. He has been on call all weekend and has come to check on her several times.
After talking with him this morning and observing Caileigh, he decided to send us home....with strict rules. She is NOT to leave the house. We are NOT to let anyone new in to the house until after the cultures are finished. While he is fairly certain it is just viral, as the cultures so far are clean; it is not unheard of to see something pop up the last day of observation. We don't want to infect anyone else. Since they tried the IV again this morning and still cannot get it, the next option would be to sedate her completely. That is very invasive since so far there is no bacteria to require the antibiotics. He has decided to leave them off until something is found otherwise. Since there is nothing hooked up to her, they sent her home as they are not doing anything for her right now but watching her. We can do that from home. If anything gets worse we are to come straight back.
Right after we got home she got extremely nauseous which scared me and she was very weak but she never vomited. I have her in bed sleeping. I am praying that all it was, was over stimulation from getting out to the car and driving home and the adrenaline of excitement of being home. She has really missed her brother and he has missed her too.
I am going to go take a quick nap before either of them wakes but will post some really cute pictures of them tonight once they are back in bed and asleep. Thank you EVERYONE for your prayers and well wishes. There are so many of you that I don't even know but I am grateful for all the prayers. I told her today, "Caileigh there are so many people sending up prayers for you that I think God decided to make you well enough to go home so He can think straight!" She laughed and thought that was pretty cool, she also is in awe of how many people from all over the world are now prayer for her.
To our family and close friends, thank you for stepping up and helping with Braedon, coming to the hospital when I needed help and strength. Thank you for your prayers for Caileigh and for me.
To all of you who just happened to read about our struggles this week, thank you for caring enough to follow along and pray for her. It's so hard sometimes to be here caring for these two babies of mine when Soapy is gone. I am so lucky to have friends and parents close and a God who is AMAZING!
PRAYER REQUESTS:
1. that the cultures would remain clear and we don't have to return for more iv's
2. that Caileigh continues to mend and the rest of us don't end up sick with the virus she had
3. that Braedon stays healthy this week because Mama is T.I.R.E.D!
4.continued prayers for Braedon and that the doctors at Children's Hospital in Denver can stumble upon what God wants them to see. That He is able to provide them with the wisdom to a diagnosis and a cure for him.
Thanks so much and have a blessed weekend!
Quick recap: in the last month my Mom has had 2 possible TIA's, we are waiting for MRI results. We bought a house on the 18th of August and have been working night and day to tear out the old carpeting (32 years old) and replace it with wood floors ourselves in order to try and make it as clean for Braedon as possible.
Two weeks ago I gave myself a serious concussion while trying to build a fence on our property. I am scheduled for an MRI this week since my dizziness and nausea has not gone away yet. My mom went from being the one cared for to caring for me since Soapy is gone. I have not felt comfortable driving until recently and even now I don't go very far.
A week ago, Braedon had a pretty good outbreak with his digestive stuff. It's the first real bad one since June. We meet with his allergist this Wednesday and we are hoping to hear about test results soon from the genetics lab at Children's.
This past Wednesday Caileigh came home complaining of a headache. That night at Awanas she burst into tears and grabbed her head with sudden pain. We went home where she soon after began vomiting and running a high fever. Twelve hours later she was complaining of a stiff neck so we headed to the doctors. They tested her visually and decided to send her home and treat for a sinus infection. Thursday night we were back at the hospital doing a spinal tap and taking blood tests. Her tests showed Meningitis! We have been at the hospital doing IV fluids and antibiotics ever since...up until last night. Saturday night the vein collapsed and we had to restart her IV. Normally this wouldn't be anything big except her veins are extremely hard to find. We worked on it from 6:30 pm until midnight with no luck. They called in the ICU nurses, NICU, flight for life EMTs and anesthesia to try. NO ONE could get it in. They decided to stop as it was not working and she was in hysterics by then. The decided to wait until this morning to make a decision.
So far there are no growths in her cultures which is GREAT! That means she most likely has a viral form of meningitis. She could have caught any virus and her body mutated it thus giving her meningitis. It is NOT the meningitis that is contagious but the virus that is. It could simply leave someone feeling yucky, tired may be a slight fever but would be gone a few days later. She was not so lucky and her doctor said he only sees maybe one or two cases a year of meningitis. He was so excellent. He was on call the night she came in and he met us at the hospital to see her for himself. He has been on call all weekend and has come to check on her several times.
After talking with him this morning and observing Caileigh, he decided to send us home....with strict rules. She is NOT to leave the house. We are NOT to let anyone new in to the house until after the cultures are finished. While he is fairly certain it is just viral, as the cultures so far are clean; it is not unheard of to see something pop up the last day of observation. We don't want to infect anyone else. Since they tried the IV again this morning and still cannot get it, the next option would be to sedate her completely. That is very invasive since so far there is no bacteria to require the antibiotics. He has decided to leave them off until something is found otherwise. Since there is nothing hooked up to her, they sent her home as they are not doing anything for her right now but watching her. We can do that from home. If anything gets worse we are to come straight back.
Right after we got home she got extremely nauseous which scared me and she was very weak but she never vomited. I have her in bed sleeping. I am praying that all it was, was over stimulation from getting out to the car and driving home and the adrenaline of excitement of being home. She has really missed her brother and he has missed her too.
I am going to go take a quick nap before either of them wakes but will post some really cute pictures of them tonight once they are back in bed and asleep. Thank you EVERYONE for your prayers and well wishes. There are so many of you that I don't even know but I am grateful for all the prayers. I told her today, "Caileigh there are so many people sending up prayers for you that I think God decided to make you well enough to go home so He can think straight!" She laughed and thought that was pretty cool, she also is in awe of how many people from all over the world are now prayer for her.
To our family and close friends, thank you for stepping up and helping with Braedon, coming to the hospital when I needed help and strength. Thank you for your prayers for Caileigh and for me.
To all of you who just happened to read about our struggles this week, thank you for caring enough to follow along and pray for her. It's so hard sometimes to be here caring for these two babies of mine when Soapy is gone. I am so lucky to have friends and parents close and a God who is AMAZING!
PRAYER REQUESTS:
1. that the cultures would remain clear and we don't have to return for more iv's
2. that Caileigh continues to mend and the rest of us don't end up sick with the virus she had
3. that Braedon stays healthy this week because Mama is T.I.R.E.D!
4.continued prayers for Braedon and that the doctors at Children's Hospital in Denver can stumble upon what God wants them to see. That He is able to provide them with the wisdom to a diagnosis and a cure for him.
Thanks so much and have a blessed weekend!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Why Can't They Just Stay Little
I am still sitting here awake. I just have way too much on my mind and I am honestly dreading going to lay down. So in the mean time I have been reading blogs and watching videos posted to FB and catching up on my friends' lives.
I have a friend who just posted her son's first video at 2 weeks old! He is precious and I want to hold him and smell his baby sweetness. He is precious.
Another friend just posted on facebook that she is FINALLY in the hospital and 7cm! I am so excited for them as they prepare to welcome into this world their third child and second daughter. I can't wait to go meet her and find out what her name will be. ;)
I also found a sister mom who lost a child recently to still birth. It breaks my heart that any parent should have to lose their child. I have been having such a hard hard time with this lately. I miss my four children so bad. I have been overwhelmed with emotions this past week of missing them so badly it gives me pains in my chest and makes my body ache for the children I can no longer hold, laugh with, play with, learn with....it just sucks. I desperately want to have more children but I don't see how I will ever get to be pregnant again. That hurts and I pray every day and spend time in God's word trying to find peace and acceptance and happiness for the ability to move on to the next step in life and close the door on infant childhood in our house.
It is SO SO hard. I don't want it to be over. I want to wake up several times a night. Have spit up and streaming diapers flying out at me. I want to snuggle the innocent sweetness of a newborn child that only God has entrusted to me.
I wish in the same token that my two children now would slow down just a bit. Braedon moves at such speed 24/7! He never slows down. I miss the time when he would snuggle up because he wasn't feeling good at all (though I don't miss the reason behind the snuggles) or when he was so tiny that I was all he needed.
I miss my Caileigh monkey thinking I was just amazing and wanting to play and spend time with me without the arguing. We are at the stage of testing our limits, discovering what she can decide to do and what she is required to do as a member of this family.
Then there are moments. Moments that take my breath away for how small they are and how I wish I could just freeze time for a bit to enjoy it. It goes by too fast. I need it to slow down because I won't be able to get it back again. Yesterday after church, we were talking about the service (it was on adoption), she asked if we could adopt a girl so she could have a baby sister to play dolls with. She said, "Mom, I think you should adopt a little girl. You would make an great mom to a little girl. You have one already and have done a really great job." It melted my heart. I want so much to be able to give her a little sister. Someone she can play dolls and dressup with. That can go shopping with her and watch girly movies with. A sister, like mine, who can get ready for the school dances with her. SHe would have made and EXCELLENT big sister to a little sister. Don't get me wrong, she makes an excellent sister to a little brother too. They absolutely adore each other. Braedon misser her so much when she is gone or simply just not in sight.
I love my children. I wish they could slow down for just a bit so I can hold on to these days for just a little bit longer. I never want to forget a moment of them.
I have a friend who just posted her son's first video at 2 weeks old! He is precious and I want to hold him and smell his baby sweetness. He is precious.
Another friend just posted on facebook that she is FINALLY in the hospital and 7cm! I am so excited for them as they prepare to welcome into this world their third child and second daughter. I can't wait to go meet her and find out what her name will be. ;)
I also found a sister mom who lost a child recently to still birth. It breaks my heart that any parent should have to lose their child. I have been having such a hard hard time with this lately. I miss my four children so bad. I have been overwhelmed with emotions this past week of missing them so badly it gives me pains in my chest and makes my body ache for the children I can no longer hold, laugh with, play with, learn with....it just sucks. I desperately want to have more children but I don't see how I will ever get to be pregnant again. That hurts and I pray every day and spend time in God's word trying to find peace and acceptance and happiness for the ability to move on to the next step in life and close the door on infant childhood in our house.
It is SO SO hard. I don't want it to be over. I want to wake up several times a night. Have spit up and streaming diapers flying out at me. I want to snuggle the innocent sweetness of a newborn child that only God has entrusted to me.
I wish in the same token that my two children now would slow down just a bit. Braedon moves at such speed 24/7! He never slows down. I miss the time when he would snuggle up because he wasn't feeling good at all (though I don't miss the reason behind the snuggles) or when he was so tiny that I was all he needed.
I miss my Caileigh monkey thinking I was just amazing and wanting to play and spend time with me without the arguing. We are at the stage of testing our limits, discovering what she can decide to do and what she is required to do as a member of this family.
Then there are moments. Moments that take my breath away for how small they are and how I wish I could just freeze time for a bit to enjoy it. It goes by too fast. I need it to slow down because I won't be able to get it back again. Yesterday after church, we were talking about the service (it was on adoption), she asked if we could adopt a girl so she could have a baby sister to play dolls with. She said, "Mom, I think you should adopt a little girl. You would make an great mom to a little girl. You have one already and have done a really great job." It melted my heart. I want so much to be able to give her a little sister. Someone she can play dolls and dressup with. That can go shopping with her and watch girly movies with. A sister, like mine, who can get ready for the school dances with her. SHe would have made and EXCELLENT big sister to a little sister. Don't get me wrong, she makes an excellent sister to a little brother too. They absolutely adore each other. Braedon misser her so much when she is gone or simply just not in sight.
I love my children. I wish they could slow down for just a bit so I can hold on to these days for just a little bit longer. I never want to forget a moment of them.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Happy Wednesday!
So the title isn't much but I am not running on creativity today. :)
Yesterday was a very long long day. We were at Children's Hospital in Denver by 9:30. We got right in to the doctor on the metabolics floor. Braedon has gained weight!! So that was wonderful news! We began the forever-long process of the family history, his history, his current state, our concerns....etc, etc, etc.
The doctor came in at 11 and observed him for an hour or more. He watched him run, talk, play with a ball, walk, retrieve things and how he reacted to being picked up and stretched. After the exam he rattled off about 6 codes to the other doctor of things to test for. One I know was a cholesterol test. He is concerned with whether Braedon's cholesterol is high enough. He said, most people think of it as a bad thing but it's even worse to not have enough of it.
The doctor was also concerned with Braedon's muscle strength. He runs like a 13 month old, not a 20month old. His hips extend too far (mine do too but I attributed that to dance and my joints have always hyperextended) and the muscle that runs under his armpit down his side does not flex as you pick him up. Rather, he goes somewhat limp and slides down through your arms. You have to have a tight grip on him when you pick him up. I always thought it was him being silly or throwing a fit but the doctor said he can feel that the muscles don't retract at all there. So they are doing some testing for that.
The other big thing they touched on briefly was autism. While his social skills are wonderful and he is totally outgoing, there are some behavioral patterns that concerned the doctor (and others before him) to watch him closely over the next 6 months to see how he develops. His speech is not as good as it should be, his GI problems can go hand in hand with autism, so can seizures. While he hasn't been ruled to have seizures yet, he has had episodes of staring off and not responding to sounds, objects, voices calling him. The doctor said if he is, it will most likely be on the lighter side.
Some of the other concerns are his mood swings and how quickly they change and explode over nothing. They want to monitor those as well to see if it is a personality trait (yay for me!) or something more.
I did ask before we left to draw labs, if there was a chance these health conditions could have been caused in utero. I have frequently worried and blamed myself for his health problems. I had a stomach infection when I got pregnant and before I knew I was carrying this beautiful baby boy I began the medication packs to clean it all up. The meds were not safe meds for pregnancy. Then you add on the blood thinner injections and the reflux medication and I have beat myself up over what I could have done to him before he was ever born. It is a horrible feeling. The doctor assured me that there was nothing I could have done to create these problems, they are genetic...whatever he is dealing with. I need not worry about how I damaged my child's health and future and well being before he even had a chance to breathe his first breath.
That gives me a sense of peace (a small one but I will take it). After four miscarriages, you begin to wonder what you hae done wrong and the next time vow to be perfect. You strive in every fasion to be perfect, eat perfectly, sleep/drink/exercise perfectly. Nothing is out of place and at the frist sign of something wrong you rush straight to the doctor because the thought of losing another precious child is more than you can bare. That was/is me. I stay awake...like tonight, wondering what "we" are missing in his diagnosis. I am praying, pleading with God to heal him and I believe He will and is doing it right now in front of me.
Yesterday was a very long long day. We were at Children's Hospital in Denver by 9:30. We got right in to the doctor on the metabolics floor. Braedon has gained weight!! So that was wonderful news! We began the forever-long process of the family history, his history, his current state, our concerns....etc, etc, etc.
The doctor came in at 11 and observed him for an hour or more. He watched him run, talk, play with a ball, walk, retrieve things and how he reacted to being picked up and stretched. After the exam he rattled off about 6 codes to the other doctor of things to test for. One I know was a cholesterol test. He is concerned with whether Braedon's cholesterol is high enough. He said, most people think of it as a bad thing but it's even worse to not have enough of it.
The doctor was also concerned with Braedon's muscle strength. He runs like a 13 month old, not a 20month old. His hips extend too far (mine do too but I attributed that to dance and my joints have always hyperextended) and the muscle that runs under his armpit down his side does not flex as you pick him up. Rather, he goes somewhat limp and slides down through your arms. You have to have a tight grip on him when you pick him up. I always thought it was him being silly or throwing a fit but the doctor said he can feel that the muscles don't retract at all there. So they are doing some testing for that.
The other big thing they touched on briefly was autism. While his social skills are wonderful and he is totally outgoing, there are some behavioral patterns that concerned the doctor (and others before him) to watch him closely over the next 6 months to see how he develops. His speech is not as good as it should be, his GI problems can go hand in hand with autism, so can seizures. While he hasn't been ruled to have seizures yet, he has had episodes of staring off and not responding to sounds, objects, voices calling him. The doctor said if he is, it will most likely be on the lighter side.
Some of the other concerns are his mood swings and how quickly they change and explode over nothing. They want to monitor those as well to see if it is a personality trait (yay for me!) or something more.
I did ask before we left to draw labs, if there was a chance these health conditions could have been caused in utero. I have frequently worried and blamed myself for his health problems. I had a stomach infection when I got pregnant and before I knew I was carrying this beautiful baby boy I began the medication packs to clean it all up. The meds were not safe meds for pregnancy. Then you add on the blood thinner injections and the reflux medication and I have beat myself up over what I could have done to him before he was ever born. It is a horrible feeling. The doctor assured me that there was nothing I could have done to create these problems, they are genetic...whatever he is dealing with. I need not worry about how I damaged my child's health and future and well being before he even had a chance to breathe his first breath.
That gives me a sense of peace (a small one but I will take it). After four miscarriages, you begin to wonder what you hae done wrong and the next time vow to be perfect. You strive in every fasion to be perfect, eat perfectly, sleep/drink/exercise perfectly. Nothing is out of place and at the frist sign of something wrong you rush straight to the doctor because the thought of losing another precious child is more than you can bare. That was/is me. I stay awake...like tonight, wondering what "we" are missing in his diagnosis. I am praying, pleading with God to heal him and I believe He will and is doing it right now in front of me.
Please pray with me, my husband and my family that God would allow these tests to come back clean, that the IGE that was way high would come back normal and the doctors would scratch their heads and chalk him up to a medical mystery. Thank you thus far for all the prayers, advice and well wishes. We appreciate them so much!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
A day of Rest
Today at church the pastor spoke about rest. How it is a gift that has been given to us from God and we should not feel bad using it because really, He commanded us to. I have thought about this a lot today. I am so quick to say, "I can't right now, I have too much to do. When I am done we can do ....." or "I don't have time to relax, there is too much to do. I can relax when I am done...which will probably be when I am dead".
God wants us to STOP doing our "TO-DO" list and rest. To meditate, take in His wonderous creation, enjoy the children and family He has given. Today, I did that. I needed to pack up our things but I didn't. I needed to work on a benefit and block part but I didn't. I needed to finish the cleaning and laundry that I didn't finish yesterday...but I didn't. It was a slow, relaxing day; and I loved it!
The pastor also said, "Our life is not determined by our work. Our self worth is not determined by our work. Our success is not determined by our work." Nothing is determined by where we work, how much we make, how far we have excelled on the corporate ladder. It doesn't matter. That is not what God created us for. When you face struggles in life, they do not define who you are or your success/failure in life. When you experience unemployment, take the time to see what God has planned for your life; what you are destined for. Those things are important. He will provide the job and the money and the right amount of success.
I loved this sermon. It was so inspiring and talked to my heart so deeply. I am going to try and make my resolution for the rest of this year to focus on what God has for me and be proud of my accomplishments that He has ordained. It is ok for me to put motherhood first and to enjoy it. It is ok for me to want to strive to be a Godly wife. This doesn't mean that I may win the mother of the year or stepford wife award each day but that is ok. As long as I strive for my best, cherish every moment as though it were my last and rest when He gives that time to me, then I am fulfilling His plan for my life at that moment.
This has spoken to my heart and I hope that some part of it has spoken to yours. May you have a blessed week and have moments to cherish.
God wants us to STOP doing our "TO-DO" list and rest. To meditate, take in His wonderous creation, enjoy the children and family He has given. Today, I did that. I needed to pack up our things but I didn't. I needed to work on a benefit and block part but I didn't. I needed to finish the cleaning and laundry that I didn't finish yesterday...but I didn't. It was a slow, relaxing day; and I loved it!
The pastor also said, "Our life is not determined by our work. Our self worth is not determined by our work. Our success is not determined by our work." Nothing is determined by where we work, how much we make, how far we have excelled on the corporate ladder. It doesn't matter. That is not what God created us for. When you face struggles in life, they do not define who you are or your success/failure in life. When you experience unemployment, take the time to see what God has planned for your life; what you are destined for. Those things are important. He will provide the job and the money and the right amount of success.
I loved this sermon. It was so inspiring and talked to my heart so deeply. I am going to try and make my resolution for the rest of this year to focus on what God has for me and be proud of my accomplishments that He has ordained. It is ok for me to put motherhood first and to enjoy it. It is ok for me to want to strive to be a Godly wife. This doesn't mean that I may win the mother of the year or stepford wife award each day but that is ok. As long as I strive for my best, cherish every moment as though it were my last and rest when He gives that time to me, then I am fulfilling His plan for my life at that moment.
This has spoken to my heart and I hope that some part of it has spoken to yours. May you have a blessed week and have moments to cherish.
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