Monday, January 23, 2012


I haven't written here for almost a full year. I was finding it hard to make time when there were so many things in real life that I wanted to be doing more. Tonight I need a place to write and put things on paper; where tons of people won't see my thoughts and spread it like wild one really reads this anyways.

I can't sleep. I haven't really slept in a long time. There are so many deep struggles in my own immediate family but Sunday, it branched out to my baby sister. She's not really a baby, she's 27. To me, she will always be my baby sister. Somehow I always thought and still do, that she was not emotionally strong enough to handle real life. I always felt like I needed to shield her from things, protect her from truths, carry the burdens for both of protect her from her weakness. I think it is an older sister trait.

Sunday at 3:25 am my sister gave birth to my niece, Isabella Monet. Such a beautiful name for a wonderfully beautiful baby. She was born grey, no heartbeat. The doctors started doing chest compressions on her immediately and once they got her heart started again they applied oxygen and took her to icu. Meanwhile, Heather was bleeding badly. I guess there were puddles on the floor....she lost a lot of blood, was dealing with pre eclampsia....finally they were able to stop it. They had her go to sleep and she slept for 7 hours.

During that time Greg was told that Bella was not breathing on her own and the doctors were concerned she may have Down Syndrome. By last night she was able to breathe on her own and weaned off oxygen praise God. The tests for DS have been sent off and will be in this Thursday.

Heather was so weak she only got to see Bella for a few minutes when she woke up. Today she is feeling much better, was able to hold Bella during the night and today was able to start trying to nurse. All things being huge miracles. Heather is struggling emotionally though, as she should be. There are so many normal and abnormal things going on.

I hate not being there for her. I am supposed to protect her from these things. I can't and that hurts, frustrates me, makes me mad. She is my best friend and I hate that she is hurting and that I can't be there to go through this with her. I know Greg is there, and my mom is there now too but it isn't the same. There is a special bond she and I share; almost as if we are twins seperated by 3 years. It is strange but true and has always been that way.

I miss my sister and while I know God is in control and all of this will work out for His doesn't make the pain for her go away. Even Jesus mourned at the death of Lazarus before raising him from the dead.....

Tonight I am praying for peace for everyone, continued health improvements, miraculous results and sleep for all of us. If anyone reads this, please pray for them.

Thursday, March 24, 2011


Today I took Caileigh out on her bike to learn how to ride without training wheels. I took the training wheels off before we started and we rode around in front of the house. After dance we went up to the school and went in the grass (dead mind's still winter here) and Papa soon met us to help work his "magic".

We could only ride for about 20 minutes because of the setting sun and the cold temperatures quickly coming. After she broke into tears...I think her limits were pushed a bit (that's good for her as she would not push her own limits for fear of failing) and her hands frozen, Papa decided it was time to head home for tonight and try again tomorrow. Just as they were coming to the end of the grass, he let go. "I want to stop, I want to stop!" is all we heard as she continued to ride straight ALL. BY. HERSELF!!!!!!!! She rode about 15 feet alone and then was ready to stop. Wouldn't you know at this point I had already put the camera away and in the car so I could help load up the kids and bikes.

There's always tomorrow! :)

Braedon is giving me the worst time lately. I don't know if it's a growth spurt, stress from all the loss lately and Mommy's reflected stress from all the loss or just a horrible case of terrible twos. FYI--If you have a 2 year old and they have not hit their terrible twos, I have extra for you to come pick up!

I just don't know how to handle him. Tomorrow I am calling a pediatric behavioral therapist. She is supposed to be really good, highly recommended. I just don't know how to discipline him and after yesterday, I think he was out of time out for a whole hour collectively! He's screaming, biting, hitting, throwing himself on the floor, throwing things (anything in reach), telling me "no" ALL the time, running when I ask him to come to me. I have been told to make him stay in his room all day, spank his bottom if the time out and warnings don't work, bite him back (coming from friends and a ped doctor), speak loudly and forcefully telling him "no"......

Most of the above practices sound horrible to me, logically don't work and others I have tried don't work. His aggression and impatience is growing. There has to be a way to handle this. Caileigh was never like this; she was and still is a mental button pusher. She will argue a point until she's blue in the face but never screamed, hit or bit. I don't want to make matters worse and with Soapy's schedule, I need to know how to handle this alone.

It breaks my heart to be stern. He is my last one, my last baby here on earth. I don't want to ruin that or lose it too soon. I just don't know what to do to help him or improve his way of expressing himself.

Caileigh's four front teeth are now loose; all together. So with any luck she will lose all 4 center teeth and will be drinking her meals through a straw until the new teeth come in. And while we're on the conversation of teeth...who in the world told these kids at school that the tooth fairy give a $1 per tooth???!!! I remember getting a dime or maybe a quarter!!

Braedon went to the big boy toilet yesterday and two days ago. All by himself!!!! Then today he cried and screamed at the idea of even thinking about going to the bathroom and sitting on the toilet. I am so ready for him to be potty trained!! His poor bottom has been so sensitive and anything in his diaper causes sores right now. Plus the cut in groceries would be nice too!

Caileigh got all A's on her report card, has been doing karate and takes her first belt test next week and this week has been in a dance camp with a local touring ballet company Ballet Emmanuel. She is having so much fun and Friday will dance in their concert! Can't wait to see it!!

Ok, going to try and go back to bed now and sleep. Goodnight!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Full Day and a Wonderful Cause

I had my photography class today! It was so much fun, so exciting and so rejeuvenating to do something for me, something I have a passion for. I have so many ideas about how I would like to use my love for photography, I am praying God will give me guidance on how I can use it to honor Him.

Soon this blog will have MUCH more color on it as I will be adding so many photographs and would love comments/tips on what I post (please be respectful though, this is my art and I am putting my heart into it).

I took my mom out for a bit (they have let her come home with very strict rules to stay calm, relax and stick to her diet) to get some fresh air and enjoy the nice weather we are enjoying this week. I can't believe that Wednesday it should be 70! I so pray this weather sticks around through next week; I would love to spend spring break outside with the kids!!

Today was our last ballet class for this 8 week session at the elementary school. Tons of moms came to watch...would have been a great day to actually have something concrete planned but I think we made the best of it!

Tonight my heart is very heavy (like I literally am having a pressure in my chest that I get when I am stressed or worried for an extended amount of time) for Japan, for our nation, for this world we live on. There are so many ironic events that have happened recently that keep me pondering Revelations and how to discuss that with a 6 year old. Hmmmm, still thinking on that one, any advice is welcome. :)

A friend of mine, Renee posted a story this evening about "Beth". She is a mom of three living here in the Springs. Renee met her through Mary Kay, God led her straight to this wonderful woman. She is a dancer and I don't think it would be a form acceptable at the studio I teach at. She desperately wants out but cannot even afford the bills she currently has and is receiving shut-off notices from the utility companies.

Tonight Beth gave her life and heart over to Christ. Through tears she shed herself of all the guilt, pain, fear, and struggles of her past. Renee is trying to help collect the money needed to keep her utilities on and to help her find a way out of her current job field. They are meeting tomorrow to discuss this further. Renee would like to help and has set up a fun on her blog. I have attached the Chip-In widget here as well. I know this is a sudden request but really is not that much to put together. Chip-In is completely confidential and secure so your information will not be passed on to anyone. Please pray for Beth as she begins her knew life and pray God would allow enough people to bring together enough money to help give this mama a fresh start.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

True Love

I can't sleep so I am blogging a thought I just shared with a friend. It is a thought my sister shared with me this past week on love. I hope it speaks to you like it did to me.

My sister and I were talking about relationships this past week and the sometimes unhealthy "in love" feelings we can have for a man. Of course we all know that the Bible teaches us to put our love and devotion to God first, our husband second and our children/family/friends third. How many of us have really sat and thought this one through??

I know this is a complex thought when just blurted out there like I have above, so I would like to break it down the way my sister did.

First of all, God wants us to love our husbands. He wants us to follow our spouse and allow him to lead our family unit through faith, finances and daily decisions. While we are to love our husband and follow our husband we are not to allow our husband to control our devotion. When we try to take the steering wheel of our life away from God and give it to our husband, to is disastrous.

While we are to follow our husbands leadership I am reminded of what my mom would always tell me about peer pressure "If they jumped off a bridge would you do it?" We are to follow our husbands as long as their path is pleasing to God and follows His commands. Ultimately God is to be in control.

When we forget that God is in control we begin to rely on our husband to fix everything, answer every problem, love every fiber of our being. That is putting a lot of pressure on our spouse! That is not allowing him to be the man God wants him to be because he is too focused on striving for perfection. We are setting our spouse and ourselves up for failure.

Secondly our whole love is for God. It is only right, only healthy that our aching love, the love that comes with painful yearning and desire to please be protected and set aside for Him. God is our Heavenly husband. We are to desire to please Him and love Him with every fiber of our being.  Our actions should reflect that devotion and love.

After we have given of ourselves and our hearts to the Lord, then it is right to give our love to our husbands; and only in a married union that is built upon the Rock. Only then will our need to please our husband be healthy because our need to follow Christ is already being met.

Only then can we realize what a healthy union and devotion to our earthly mate should really and truly be. Only then can our false expectations of our relationships with men be put to rest. Only then can God begin to work within us to be His light to the world and an encouragement to our husbands.

My sister said, "The song says but that's not true. You need more than that and it was always intended to be more than that." Once we have God and our love for Him is right, then our devotion to our husbands will fall into place.

I hope this helps someone out there. It really struck me after we hung up how many times I am more worried about whether Soapy is happy; if I am making him happy, if I am pleasing him. I realize from time to time how I have been more worried about his approval instead of His approval; times I lean to Soapy for comfort and protection instead of my Heavenly Father. That is not healthy and is something I need to fix. It results in disappointment that Soapy couldn't live up to my expectations but how could he? That isn't fair to desire him to take the hole that was only meant to be filled by God.

Tonight I am going to pray God helps me preserve that hole just for Him. Tonight I will sleep well knowing God's arms are around me instead of feeling the "need" for my husbands' arms around me to keep me safe.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Praising God Tonight

Sorry for the few day absence of updates.


The doctors discharged her tonight and my dad was able to bring her home. It wasn't until yesterday afternoon that she began to turn the corner suddenly. The specialist came in Tuesday and layed it on the line how she was most likely going to lose her colon or worse. I think it sparked a sense of urgency in her to pull herself up and just do it!

They can't re-test her level of infection for another 2 weeks and they can't really get a good read right now of the effects this has had on her colon long term but for right now her colon is beginning to function again! They were able to wean her off of the iv's last night so today she did everything by mouth.

She has VERY strict instructions to stay in bed, relax and rest; to eat and take the new antibiotic they have her on (which is severely more potent than the last and she's on a double dose of it each day) and be careful around others. She is not in total isolation but if symptoms return she is to head back in, she is to be very careful washing and contact with others (That they then go wash as well).

Thank you to everyone who has been praying. I ask that you continue to pray for her recovery and that the lasting effects would not be severe. There was concern over the infection spreading and the amount of infection becoming cancerous later. Her risk of getting this again now is astronomically great! If she were to catch this again, she would not be so lucky as she was this time.

Thanks everyone, God Bless you all and goodnight! :)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Urgent Prayers Needed

Please pray for my mom. The specialists pulled my Dad aside this morning to explain the severity of the situation. It was explained during rounds to my mom that she needs to eat so the nutrition can begin to clean out her colon. They've told her so far that her body has not responded to the antibiotics so they will be doubling up on her amount. They told her it's important to eat or she could end up having surgery on her colon.

***Translated to my Dad: We are increasing her doses of antibiotics because she hasn't responded in 48 hours. She NEEDS to eat immediately and frequently to have any chance at getting better. If she doesn't she will lose her colon entirely. There is a lot of infection in the descending colon that could spread and if not successfully removed could turn cancerous. This is serious!

We have to try to keep her calm and relaxed. She needs to rest and she needs to eat through the pain she will experience with eating. She has to or it is going to drastically change her life. They haven't told her all of the facts because they don't want to scare her yet and have her upset and worried to the point of doing more harm than good.

I am scared. I won't lie. I just lost my grandfather this past week. I couldn't be there. I can't be with my mom because she is highly contagious and I have to be careful not to spread it to the kids. My sister and I have had this horrible intuition that something is wrong. We are trying to pray through those feelings and not let Satan take over our running our imaginations wild.

Please just pray.