Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Please pray for Stellan

Please pray for Stellan McKinney! He is going to be one tomorrow, October 29th. He is currently in PICU at Children's in Minneapolis, MN. He was taken there last night after going into SVT and not being able to correct himself. The night and day have been such a rollercoaster and have been VERY VERY serious.
He is such a precious and beautifully amazing child. Please send him and his family and the doctors all the prayers and warm wishes you can. They really need them right now.
To follow his story, please go to or click on the button at the bottom of my page.


Monday, October 26, 2009

Not Me Monday

So this week was pretty slow, but I can't help telling a few Not Me's myself.

Braedon is such an amazing child. He is really growing up! So much that he is pointing and starting to say more "words". We went to Walmart and so did not want to crawl under a shelf as he pointed at a woman and said, "Dog, dog!" My child would never say something embarrassing like that, they are always well mannered.

While walking through the same trip to Walmart Caileigh was recounting the latest Biggest Loser episode. We love to watch this show together. After talking about the show, she did not, very loudly proclaim that she would like to go to the Biggest Loser campus but that she doesn't want to be one of the fat people that go there. Wouldn't you know there were plus sized people shopping on the same isle.....I would NEVER allow my child to talk about something so sensitive. She would never make me want to just crawl into the freezer just to get away from some of the looks I was getting.

Last, I most certainly didn't let a 4 year old babysit my 11 mos old (in the next room) just so I could stay and take one dance class, one free hour to myself. Not Me!

Happy Not Me Monday everyone!!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Kids, the say the darndest things!

So yesterday I picked Caileigh up from school and took her to use her Starbucks gift card on a hot chocolate. Yes, you heard me right, my 5 year old daughter got a Starbucks gift card as a birthday present. She absolutely loves their hot chocolates and we are trying to explain the value of money management to her so she doesn't make the same mistakes we have made.

On the way to Starbucks:

C:Mom, can I get a snack too? I am hungry.

Me: Well honey, Mommy used our play money up the other day to get us a slushy. We have to wait until next week for more play money. Can you wait until we get home?

C:I guess, but then how are we buying the hot cocoa?

Me: With your gift card, you still have money on it.

C: Then can I use the rest of the money to buy a snack? Then we don't have to use our money! It's like free money!!!

Oh, if only it were that simple. :)

So after our drive thru at Starbucks we went to Mardels, a wonderful Christian store here. It's like Sams is to Walmart; Mardels seems to have an amazing selection over some other smaller stores. We like to go and sit in the childrens' area and look at all the new things. On our way out we saw a sight that interested and perplexed Caileigh.

C: Mom, look at those girls! They have pink stripes in their hair!!! That's weird.

M:Uh huh.

C:Mom, when I get older, like 10 can I put pink in my hair? Pink is one of my favorite colors.

M: (not wanting to start opening that issue) Well honey, lets see how things go when we get to that point. Okay?

C:Okay, what about doing it now? I could look like Lady Lovelylocks (yes, I had that book as a child and have passed it on to her)

M:Well, you need to ask your Daddy about that one. This is a pretty big thing so both Mommy and Daddy need to agree on it together or the answer is no.

C:Well I don't want to ask Daddy first. Let's do it and then tell him.

M:laughing-Nope you need to ask him first, those are the rules.

C: Well, I can just wait until I am older and then I can do it anyways.

Kids say the darndest things!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Letter to my Angel

You can skip over this post if you want. It was more or less a way for me to get my thoughts and feeling on "paper" and to have later as I look back on life. I just need to say it so maybe it will help resolve. If anyone reads this, please pray for me. I am having a hard time dealing with this and it makes me angry. I dont want to hurt over this anymore. I am so happy and blessed to have my two children, especially Braedon after all the miscarriages. That makes me angry that I cannot let it go when I have been blessed with these two beautiful children.

It's been two years since I had to say goodbye to you. I feel silly sometimes hurting so much over a baby I never held, you weren't even in my for that long. I never got to feel you kick or watch you suck your thumb. I heard your heartbeat though and for 12 weeks I knew you were mine!
But I was wrong; you weren't mine. You, just like all my children, are God's. He took you just like he took the others for reasons I don't understand.
I never wanted a big family but if I could have God grant a wish it would be to have all my children back. I think maybe that's why I wanted to get pregnant again and was upset about Daddy's surgery. I know it's not true but somehow I guess I feel like having another baby would bring you back or fill the  hole you left. I know now after having your brother that your spot can't be filled no matter how many babies I have.
I miss you, so much. It hurts still so bad. I hoped that hurt would go away but it doesn't. I remember my time with you like it just happened. I remember the details of what I wore, where we went, the doctors' appts, telling your sister, hearing your heartbeat, seeing you jump around, and not hearing your heartbeat.
I remember sitting there crying and how wonderful Caileigh was just hugging my foot. I remember calling your Daddy and driving 4 hours to go pick him up. I remember that morning signing permission for them to take you from me. I hated it! I wanted to keep you, forever. I cried and hurt; I still do.
I think about you all the time and wish I could have held you, even for a moment. Did you look like me? Did you have my button nose and your Daddy's eyes and smile? Was I to have another little girl like I suspect you were??
Why couldn't you stay? What job has God given you up there? Are you running and playing? Do you sing and help take care of the animals? Please tell the others I love them and miss them. Please watch out for these children down here hurting and sick. I pray God will let you watch over us too.
I love you and miss you so much but am so thankful I got a second chance at giving life to a child. Caileigh and Braedon are my world here and I am so lucky to have them. I love you and someday I will be able to hold you and see how beautiful God created you.

Love you!

Remember my Angel

Two years ago today Caileigh and I sat at the OB's office as they did a routine ultrasound and found there was not a heartbeat. Two years ago today I lay there on the examining table as he told me he was sorry and to take all the time I needed. Really? All the time I needed??? Well, I still need time. Is that fair? I sat there that day crying, wondering how I was going to call my husband and tell him while he was working out of town. How was I going to call my family and tell them that yet again, we had lost our baby. One thing I did not have to wonder was how I was going to tell Caileigh she would not be a big sister.
Caileigh sat there and she knew. She picked up that this time, there was not a rapid thumping resonating through the room. She knew when I started crying something was wrong. She so sweetly and innocently stood there, hugging my foot while I layed there and cried. She held me, my 3 year old held me. She was my rock that afternoon as we drove to another office for a second ultrasound to confirm what the first doctor found. They did and she sat quietly and patiently waiting.

The next couple days were the worst. It happened on a Friday so I had to wait until Monday morning to go in for a D & C. When I got there and started filling out the paperwork I had the hardest time. I couldn't do it. I had to sign a paper listing my procedure as an abortion. I LOST MY BABY! I wanted to scream at the lady behind the desk that I was not giving her away, I had lost her. My body wasn't letting her go, every part of me wanted that baby.

Later that Christmas season Caileigh needed me. She came and asked me why the baby had to die and why she could not be a big sister. She asked if she could be a baby in my tummy again so God could take her to heaven too to be a big sister. I wanted to die, I was torn for my sweet daughter who was obviously hurting more than I realized. I was hurting for that bond that she had with our unborn baby and the fact that our baby would not be able to know her big sister's love.

It still hurts and I am still torn. Caileigh drew a picture the other day of our family and included an angel baby with wings. She said that was her sister in heaven. We both have been having a hard time I guess this week. I sat down last week and wrote two songs (in progress mind you...they are nowhere near complete but I hope to make them that way soon) and a letter to my precious little Angel. I am hoping these will help heal the hurt that I thought I had come to grips with and accepted and had moved past. Do you ever move past this? Ihave accepted it, and I know some day I will see all 4 of my miscarried children there but will I ever not hurt over it?

Here are the two songs:

Angel of Mine
How could I know I would miss you this much?
I barely knew you but it was instant love the moment I met you.
You weren't even born but my love for you had grown far more than I knew.

I dreamt of your smile, your laugh, the sparkle in your eyes.
I imagined your first cry,
I saw your first steps,
They all play over in my mind.

Why did you have to go?
Your father and I miss you so.
I wonder what you'd have been like,
       my heart, his eyes.
I pray for you each night and day,
Wishing God didn't take you away.

Please know that we love you,
Your brother and sister too.
Sweet Angel of mine.

There's a song in my heart
That I know I've heard before.
It bekons me to call
On the Onw who knows my heart!

Lord, You are my hope, You are my strength.
You are the One who knows my pain.
Lord build me up, show me Your way.
Please take this pain away.

Don't let this define me,
But let it remind me of Your miraculous unfailing love.

Not Me Monday

I love Not Me Mondays, it allows me to air all my dirty laundry and join other women in the realization that contrary to how our week has gone, we are all great moms in spite of our mistakes! To read other NMM go to MckMama's blog at

So it was another week without my husband and I most certainly did not procrastinate in cleaning the house just because no one was here. I always have all laundry done, folded and neatly put away where it belongs before it has even cooled from the heat of the dryer. I never leave pots in the sink like I most certainly did not do this week washing by hand what I needed just so I don't have to empty the dishwasher.

I did not give Braedon a new box of Cherrios in the car while my dad and I fished Friday night just so he would stop screaming and give us more time to night fish! :) I did not use the back of my Tahoe as a playpin for the kids to confine them to one space since it was 30 degrees outside.

I did not go 4 days without a shower just because I used Braedon's nap times to take a nap myself or chat with friends online. Taking one at night or setting my alarm to get up that much earlier in the morning wasn't an option. :)

Lastly, I didn't drive around today for two hours looking for errands to run just becuase it was the first time Braedon has slept soundly and I had a moments peace and quiet.

There, I feel better! :)

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Still Awake

Tomorrow marks 2 years since I lost my last miscarriage. I am still awake. I can't sleep. I haven't slept all week because for some reason my mind is fixed on this date, on this memory and I am greatly burdened. I am conflicted because I don't feel I should be so sad.  I have two wonderful and beautiful children. God has blessed be before and after this loss with a precious child. I don't feel I have the right to be sad that I am missing out on this child but, I am sad.
I have had 4 miscarriages but out of them all, this one has stayed with me. I remember the exact date I realized I was pregnant, the exact date I found out there was no heartbeat and the day I had to rid my body of my lifeless baby. I remember every moment of the last two days as though it happened yesterday and I hate that. I don't want to remember. Not the pain, not the loss, not the humiliation as I walked into church and saw all my pregnant friends and had people talk about my pregnant belly. I felt LOST, EMPTY, BARREN, SAD. I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide and sometimes I still do.
If it wasn't for Caileigh sitting there with me as the doctor told me what I had already seen on the ultrasound screen, there was no heartbeat, my baby was dead, I don't know what I would have done. She sat and hugged my foot as I cried. She sat and hugged me as we waited for the second ultrasound. She cuddled me that night and all weekend as I sat and thought about what was to come Monday.
Monday came and I hated it. I had to sign my name to a paper that labeled my D/C as a result of an abortion. I layed there in the bed and waited for the doctor and the anesthesiologist to come and begin. They came in and tried to be very nice about explaining the procedure. I was given the anesthetics and began to cry as I knew it would all be over with in a short while. I remember telling Soapy, "I am so sorry." My first words as I came out of the anesthesia was, "I lost my baby, I don't have it any more. I am so sorry." And those are the words that I have heard every day this week.
I am still awake hearing these words. I can't sleep. I wish I didn't have to remember this. I don't want to forget my baby and have the ultrasound picture with me and an ornament that I bought after the loss. It doesn't take the place of having that child in my arms right now.
I fear letting my son grow up, either one of my kids to get too far away from me. I don't want to lose them. I know they are in God's hands and He is taking care of them and their future. It is up to Him as to how they live their lives. I find myself still wanting more children and I think part of that reason (not all because I have been able to sort my thoughts) is due to wanting to fill that hole.  I think a small part of me feels that if I can have another one it will make the pain go away but it won't. No child can take that baby's place.
I miss my baby. I know God has a hand in every part ofmy life and there is a reason why that child did not live here on earth. I know some day I will be able to meet this child along with the other three in Heaven.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Angels in Heaven

Today has been a wonderful day but also a distracting one too. Today was Caileigh's first field trip to the pumpkin patch (pictures to come this weekend). I was able to go along as a dear friend of mine volunteered to watch Braedon all day! It was so refreshing to see her so happy and full of life. She was so excited to be out playing with friends and trying things that normally she would have past up out of fear. It was so rewarding to see. I was so blessed to be able to witness that and share in the fun. We picked pumpkins, took hay rides, went through mazes, pet animals and go down hay slides. Such a wonderful day.
Even though it was a wonderful day full of positive uplifting moments I was distracted and melancholy. Today is Pregnancy Infant Loss Day, as is the whole month as a rememberance and awareness month. This past week has been extremely emotional for me for some reason. I have had my Angel on my mind a lot. I sat down last night and wrote a letter and two "songs" (they are a work in progress and once finished I will post them). I cried as I wrote it and then sat and cried some more. I miss "her" so much! It will be two years since we found there was no longer a heartbeat and I had a D&C performed next week. It still kills me. I don't want it to be true. The words of "abortion" still run through my head, these were the terms used to describe the reason for my D&C (even though it was NOT an abortion, there was no longer a heartbeat and it was the hardest thing for me to do).
I have accepted that God has taken my little Angel, and my other three babies to Heaven and that some day (prayerfully many many years down the road) I will be able to meet them face to face. It is still hard though. To wonder what they would look like, what type of personality would they have, what things would they like, what are there favorite foods/colors/games to play.
I think this is why maybe I want more children. I think part of me is trying to convince myself that more children would fill that void, that pain, that hurt. It won't. I don't want to the baby phase to be over, I am not ready but I have to be ready.
I think that is why I am having such a hard time letting go of Caileigh (I am still having a hard time with her in school, though I don't show it to her) and why Braedon's closely approaching birthday has my stomach in knots. I am not ready for him to grow up yet; he can't.
I can rest knowing God is taking care of them (and us). I know He has a purpose for these babies and for me. I know He will help use me in service to Him in this area of struggle and pain. I pray that as that day comes and I am able to realize a call to service that He grants me the correct words and timing.
I pray tonight for all the women who have lost their children. I feel guilty beign so sad when I know there are women that have to give up their baby days, weeks, years after their birth. I have only had to do it while pregnant; it still hurts though .
I miss you Angel but I am so glad that you are in Heaven sitting with your Dennie and Grandpa Shelton watching us and helping to protect us.

Love forever,

Monday, October 12, 2009

Not Me Monday!

So as a mom, there are plenty of times we all do things that under normal circumstances we would NEVER do! Even if we did do those things we would never admit to the fact that we don't have it all together all the time! Definitely NOT ME!
Today is Monday and a blog friend of mine, MckMama, holds a "Not Me Monday" at Each week she confesses to things that have "Not" happened over the past week. Each week she invites her readers to blog/post/comment about the same things in their own lives. It's a fun way for us all to confess, be authentic and real and just be moms. Moms that don't have it all together and realize that in the bigger picture of God's greatness, THAT'S OK! :)

So here is my "Not Me Monday":
This has been an eventful, put it in the record books kind of week for everything that could go wrong would go wrong. My children most certainly did not come down sick the day after my husband and parents left town for work and vacation respectively. I did not in a matter of three days visit the pediatrician with them 3 times and call atleast 6 more times.I am always composed and confident in my childcare. I did not ask what could get worse as my daughter came down with a sinus infection, pink eye and shingles all in two days. I am always well dressed and coifed before leaving my house so I would never leave and go to the doctors or the store with all three of us in pajamas. Not me!

I did not contemplate for a minute that putting my son and daughter together at that moment would be a great idea so he would go ahead and get it all and be over with; not me. I definitely did not camp out downstairs in the basement with the kids pretending that the rest of the house didn't exist and therefor did not have to be cleaned. I did not leave all the cleaning until two hours before my parents came home. My house is always prepared for the "white glove" test.
I did not pretend to be sleeping when both kids woke up and wanted to be up just so they would finally go back to sleep so I could get another hour of sleep too. Not me!
I did not after calling to ask the doctor about how shingles spread from one body part to another have to call BACK because my son flipped himself out of his high chair and fell on the tile floor head first. Not me! I did not proceed to let him t-p the house just to keep him entertained while I watched for signs of a concussion.
Last but not least, I did not pour water on my daughter's cereal because the milk had gone bad and I had absolutely nothing left in me to load them up and go to the store to buy more.

There! That was my week in a VERY abbreviated caption! There were so many more things that NEVER happen in my life, I needed to start a log in order to remember them all! It was definitely not a week I care to repeat and many of the happenings definitely did not happen becuase that just is not me! I always stay calm, never neglect my house cleaning and always know how to take care of my children's illnesses! Good luck this week everyone and I am sure I will have more to share next week!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I should be going to bed but I want to thank everyone who is praying for my kids to get better. We have had a crazy crazy week. Braedon has been on new antibiotics and still the albuterol. It seems to have cleared up the weezing. Over the weekend Caileigh broke out with pink eye in both eyes! I discovered Monday this was due to a total block of her sinuses. I felt so bad. I was passing her symptons off as a cold, poor thing has been miserable. Yesterday she popped up with spots on her back and chest that the nurse over the phone tonight thinks may be shingles. So we are headed back to the doctor tomorrow morning to have that looked at.
The blessings out of this: the pink eye was not contagious so I don't have to worry about Braedon or myself getting it. Both kids are responding well to the antibiotics. I think both are slowly starting to come out of the infections. I hope!
I am also blessed with renewed strength and hope in our finances. I sat and talked with a dear friend tonight on the phone and she reminded me that God is alway there and will help us when we ask Him to. I have asked and pleaded for his help. She reminded me to be patient and realize that God's timing is totally different than mine. I need to be faithful to Him and continue to be a Proverbs 31 wife to my husband and give it ALL up to God. I have to let my husband feel led by God and in the right moment (which she reminded me may not be until the last minute, right before the deadline) He will lead us out of our struggles. All I have to do is continue to live my life for Him and show His love to others. THAT'S IT!!! :)

So while I have no realy answers I can find peace in knowing that I am following Him and the budget that we have for our family. Living by example is a powerful thing and so is prayer. Between those two efforts I can't lose and soon my husband and I will be on the same page!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Long day

So the last couple days have been very overwhelming. It seems that our house has been totally infected with whatever this cold is that has been going around. I thought it was just allergies, and the doctor says it may have begun that way...but add teething and not being able to blow a baby's nose and you have a much bigger problem.
I took Braedon to the doctor yesterday after he spent Wednesday night coughing and crying all night long. It seems we still have the ear infection (in both ears now so we are on a stronger antibiotic) and he is weezing. They have put him on Albuterol and are considering starting breathing treatments if this doesn't work.
I am tired and nervous that his cough is really settling into his chest. Please pray that he gets better soon and that I can also get better. There are a ton of cases of swine flu popping up here and I am nervous with his health like it is right now that only makes him more susceptable to the flu.