I haven't written here for almost a full year. I was finding it hard to make time when there were so many things in real life that I wanted to be doing more. Tonight I need a place to write and put things on paper; where tons of people won't see my thoughts and spread it like wild fire....no one really reads this anyways.
I can't sleep. I haven't really slept in a long time. There are so many deep struggles in my own immediate family but Sunday, it branched out to my baby sister. She's not really a baby, she's 27. To me, she will always be my baby sister. Somehow I always thought and still do, that she was not emotionally strong enough to handle real life. I always felt like I needed to shield her from things, protect her from truths, carry the burdens for both of us....to protect her from her weakness. I think it is an older sister trait.
Sunday at 3:25 am my sister gave birth to my niece, Isabella Monet. Such a beautiful name for a wonderfully beautiful baby. She was born grey, no heartbeat. The doctors started doing chest compressions on her immediately and once they got her heart started again they applied oxygen and took her to icu. Meanwhile, Heather was bleeding badly. I guess there were puddles on the floor....she lost a lot of blood, was dealing with pre eclampsia....finally they were able to stop it. They had her go to sleep and she slept for 7 hours.
During that time Greg was told that Bella was not breathing on her own and the doctors were concerned she may have Down Syndrome. By last night she was able to breathe on her own and weaned off oxygen praise God. The tests for DS have been sent off and will be in this Thursday.
Heather was so weak she only got to see Bella for a few minutes when she woke up. Today she is feeling much better, was able to hold Bella during the night and today was able to start trying to nurse. All things being huge miracles. Heather is struggling emotionally though, as she should be. There are so many normal and abnormal things going on.
I hate not being there for her. I am supposed to protect her from these things. I can't and that hurts, frustrates me, makes me mad. She is my best friend and I hate that she is hurting and that I can't be there to go through this with her. I know Greg is there, and my mom is there now too but it isn't the same. There is a special bond she and I share; almost as if we are twins seperated by 3 years. It is strange but true and has always been that way.
I miss my sister and while I know God is in control and all of this will work out for His will.....it doesn't make the pain for her go away. Even Jesus mourned at the death of Lazarus before raising him from the dead.....
Tonight I am praying for peace for everyone, continued health improvements, miraculous results and sleep for all of us. If anyone reads this, please pray for them.