Monday, October 11, 2010

Our house is going to smell great!

Right now we are in the stages of potty training and sleeping in a "big boy" bed. Both are proving to be challenging and rewarding....more the first than the ladder.

Braedon is on day #3 in his big boy bed for both nap and night time. The last two weeks I have been transitioning him gradually to his toddler bed to try and make this switch as painless as possible for everyone involved. The one lesson I have already learned though, is he can unlatch the childgate in his doorway. I hate the idea of putting one up, sort of like caging him in, but he is not safe to be allowed to run the house. He will do just that, run the house. :) I awoke to him find toothpaste all ove the bathroom floor, syrup smeared all over the kitchen and him laying right in a great big puddle of it. I either didn't have the latch on the gate pulled all the way down or he just figured it out himself. Bad morning.

I quickly cleaned everything up, gave him the first of three showers for the day and we went about our day.

Potty training is another challenging moment. He wants to do it so bad and asks to sit in there often. We go occassionally, most successfully right after breakfast but he is getting too independant. He wants to take his own diaper off, he wants to wipe his own you see where I am going with this?? Well, urine wound up being ALL over the bathroom floor and him, and his clothes. Thus began more household cleaning and disinfecting.

Last week I started a new business. I am now a Consultant for Partylite! This works out perfect for our family. Soapy and I both enjoy burning candles 24/7, Caileigh loves how "pretty" they are when flickering and Braedon loves to smell and of course expects everyone within a 20 foot radius to smell too. It also works out that these wonderful scents are helping to keep my house smelling toothpaste-minty fresh, like fresh served maple syrup pancackes and the most favorite...stale urine. (side note: why is it that no matter how hard you scrub a bathroom with disinfecting wash that smell cannot come out of the floor and grout?)

In the next month I am to hold 6 parties. I had my starter show this past Thursday and honestly was very disapointed. I had 8 women coming and 4 outside orders...well, 2 came and I had 1 outside order......I only had 2 orders from the party. The premise of the company is there is no startup costs for your kit and to join the company, all you are asked to do is a $350 starter show to pay for your starter kit. Easy enough...or atleast it normally should be. I am hurting for sales. I am atleast $125 short and really need to finish these orders tomorrow morning. I have been praying all weekend and today that God would send me my final orders needed to provide me with the sales required to start my business. I know that once I can get past this show, I will be great! I have my shows booked (I still need one more but I am sure it will come) and am determined to be successful.

I have to, need to be successful. Not for the fame, or the trips, or the money...well, kind of for the money. I just want to be successful so Soapy can come home. I am tired, the kids are tired, he is tired of working such long weeks away from us so much. It makes it so hard on the kids. To try and find a non traveling job is very difficult right now and the pay is way less than what we can afford to live off of. I need to be working but with Braedon, I cannot put him in daycare just yet. I need a different idea. I need this business to work, to be our answer to our prayers for our finances. When Braedon was sick we put a lot on our credit card in order to make things work. We now have debt there that we have been working so hard to erase. Trying to make this house healthy for the kids has had its costs too. I need to be able to start paying these debts off.

Please, please pray for me that God would send me the final orders needed for my show by tomorrow. I need them to come through. Please pray He would lead me to the right shows and the right people who would like to hold parties and take advantage of the wonderful gifts and sale opportunities Partylite is offering. I do have to say, some of the sales are too good to pass up! Not only are the sale prices great but hte product is unmatchable in my opinion. They are lead free, the burn clean, they are long lasting and don't burn hot enough to burn little hands. They are non-toxic which, for us, you can imagine is a wonderful thing. Braedon has already tested out this claim and it is true; the worst that will happen is his diapers may be a little loose. Not that I feed him candles, I promise there is real food in the house.....2 year olds are just so quick and so quiet sometimes!

So anyways, that is me reaching out for prayer in my "suffering" of today and giving my stress and worries over to God. Now, I am going to head to bed because like it or not, tomorrow morning is going to come early and school will not wait until I feel rested to get up and take Caileigh to school. :) Goodnight!

Growing in our Sufferings

Our small group from church recently started a new book study, Be Hopeful by Warren Wiersbe. We have only gotten through the first two chapters so far but it is speaking to me in so many ways. The whole book is centered around 1 Peter and what his letters were about and why they were written. The hope is that you are able to see how God is using you during your suffering and the hope that He has you there for a I said, speaking to me.

The past two years have been particularly difficult on our family. I am normally one to shrug to the world and say, "It's ok, we'll make it through." or " It's just life right? I'm ok, don't worry." while inside I am crying and screaming, " I am not OK! Someone please see right through my smile and pleasantness and just take over! I am drowning and too proud to ask for help or even prayer."

Because, you know, I am a first born perfectionist....Irish and German stubbornness runs deep and the pride of asking for help admits weakness and then I have to admit to myself that I am truly, in fact, struggling. I HATE HATE HATE that! I am better at denying my struggles and smiling because if I admit to having them, then I panic and get overwhelmed and begin to fall apart. I put the cart before the horse and am doomed to failure before I start.....are you seeing a pattern?? I,......I,.....I....there are too many "I's" in this paragraph.

One thing we talked about yesterday is admitting your sufferings to yourself and to others. It is not healthy nor is it wise to deny them; especially to yourself. Denial does not allow for God's full growth in you. If you deny that you are struggling, you are not admitting that you need help beyond yourself. You are not opening yourself up to allow others to serve you, or to allow God to speak to your soul through your trials and the kindness awarded by others.

I am often at fault for this. I think, "Well, I am doing the single parent thing this week, there is no one else but me. I don't want to call for help from others (you know, the ones that offer help and really mean it) because I don't want to burden them; they are already maxed out in their own lives." And then I do the worst thing possible. Instead of turning from my friends and turning to God...the one I should go to first off, I turn back to myself and try to solve the world's problems on my own.

In the above scenario, I have just pushed God and my friends away. My friends either think I am doing just fine and then are stunned to hear that things have been a wreck; or they are turned off by knowing full well that I am struggling and too proud to ask for help. It's a mess!

Lately I have not done a good job of asking for help and crying out to my God for his help and comfort. I have instead "muddled through" the crisis, asking others to pray but not stopping to pray myself like I should. I blame severe fatigue, being overwhelmed, trying to just make it through the moments. I am ashamed of this and realized yesterday that I have not given God my sufferings.

How do I expect Him to lead me to my final lesson in all of this if I cannot give it completely over to Him to begin with? I feel like I did not learn a single thing from Braedon being in the hospital in May. I mean, I did, and I will never forget what God has done in our lives since that moment...but somehow life gets to be too much about the world and not enough about Him and you begin to forget to give Him the time he deserves. You lose sight of what you learned and swore to never take for granted (I do believe that is why God asks us not to's always a lie, we never stick to our promise).

I believe that is why God allows us to experience sufferings and trials a few times in different ways; until we get it permanently. I know I "get it", I just don't know what to do with "it" or how to allow it to change my life. I am still not sure how I am supposed to grow out of all this.

I have found myself the last 3 weeks kind of going on a backwards slope in this area. Since we closed on our house, my mom had a stroke, I got a concussion which has been and is still very difficult to heal from, Caileigh was hospitalized with Viral Meningitis, Braedon got a concussion and a puncture wound on his head, Soapy and I got food poisoning, Braedon had what I fear my have been his first real full circle GI episode since June....and now I am starting a new business venture that is not starting up in the most promising way. I am swamped with mental overload. I am overwhelmed with so many emotions and want to just sit and have a really good cry. I told my sister yesterday via facebook that I just don't know how much more my heart can take of this no beach thing. When I was stressed or overwhelmed, that's where I went; the beach. I would sit and think and pray, cry, go for a always cleared my head. I need to clear my head for a bit, gain some perspective and listen for God's direction.

I feel like there is too much noise, too much chaos here in town to hear anything. I am trying to grow through my sufferings but I feel more or less like I am passing from one to another without learning anything from the previous. Tonight I am praying for some help, some guidance, some silence so I can hear God speak and grow through my sufferings.