Monday, August 16, 2010

Why Can't They Just Stay Little

I am still sitting here awake. I just have way too much on my mind and I am honestly dreading going to lay down. So in the mean time I have been reading blogs and watching videos posted to FB and catching up on my friends' lives.

I have a friend who just posted her son's first video at 2 weeks old! He is precious and I want to hold him and smell his baby sweetness. He is precious.

Another friend just posted on facebook that she is FINALLY in the hospital and 7cm! I am so excited for them as they prepare to welcome into this world their third child and second daughter. I can't wait to go meet her and find out what her name will be. ;)

I also found a sister mom who lost a child recently to still birth. It breaks my heart that any parent should have to lose their child. I have been having such a hard hard time with this lately. I miss my four children so bad. I have been overwhelmed with emotions this past week of missing them so badly it gives me pains in my chest and makes my body ache for the children I can no longer hold, laugh with, play with, learn just sucks. I desperately want to have more children but I don't see how I will ever get to be pregnant again. That hurts and I pray every day and spend time in God's word trying to find peace and acceptance and happiness for the ability to move on to the next step in life and close the door on infant childhood in our house.

It is SO SO hard. I don't want it to be over. I want to wake up several times a night. Have spit up and streaming diapers flying out at me. I want to snuggle the innocent sweetness of a newborn child that only God has entrusted to me.

I wish in the same token that my two children now would slow down just a bit. Braedon moves at such speed 24/7! He never slows down. I miss the time when he would snuggle up because he wasn't feeling good at all (though I don't miss the reason behind the snuggles) or when he was so tiny that I was all he needed.

I miss my Caileigh monkey thinking I was just amazing and wanting to play and spend time with me without the arguing. We are at the stage of testing our limits, discovering what she can decide to do and what she is required to do as a member of this family.

Then there are moments. Moments that take my breath away for how small they are and how I wish I could just freeze time for a bit to enjoy it. It goes by too fast. I need it to slow down because I won't be able to get it back again. Yesterday after church, we were talking about the service (it was on adoption), she asked if we could adopt a girl so she could have a baby sister to play dolls with. She said, "Mom, I think you should adopt a little girl. You would make an great mom to a little girl. You have one already and have done a really great job." It melted my heart. I want so much to be able to give her a little sister. Someone she can play dolls and dressup with. That can go shopping with her and watch girly movies with. A sister, like mine, who can get ready for the school dances with her. SHe would have made and EXCELLENT big sister to a little sister. Don't get me wrong, she makes an excellent sister to a little brother too. They absolutely adore each other. Braedon misser her so much when she is gone or simply just not in sight.

I love my children. I wish they could slow down for just a bit so I can hold on to these days for just a little bit longer. I never want to forget a moment of them.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Happy Wednesday!

So the title isn't much but I am not running on creativity today. :)

Yesterday was a very long long day. We were at Children's Hospital in Denver by 9:30. We got right in to the doctor on the metabolics floor. Braedon has gained weight!! So that was wonderful news! We began the forever-long process of the family history, his history, his current state, our concerns....etc, etc, etc.

The doctor came in at 11 and observed him for an hour or more. He watched him run, talk, play with a ball, walk, retrieve things and how he reacted to being picked up and stretched. After the exam he rattled off about 6 codes to the other doctor of things to test for. One I know was a cholesterol test. He is concerned with whether Braedon's cholesterol is high enough. He said, most people think of it as a bad thing but it's even worse to not have enough of it.

The doctor was also concerned with Braedon's muscle strength. He runs like a 13 month old, not a 20month old. His hips extend too far (mine do too but I attributed that to dance and my joints have always hyperextended) and the muscle that runs under his armpit down his side does not flex as you pick him up. Rather, he goes somewhat limp and slides down through your arms. You have to have a tight grip on him when you pick him up. I always thought it was him being silly or throwing a fit but the doctor said he can feel that the muscles don't retract at all there. So they are doing some testing for that.

The other big thing they touched on briefly was autism. While his social skills are wonderful and he is totally outgoing, there are some behavioral patterns that concerned the doctor (and others before him) to watch him closely over the next 6 months to see how he develops. His speech is not as good as it should be, his GI problems can go hand in hand with autism, so can seizures. While he hasn't been ruled to have seizures yet, he has had episodes of staring off and not responding to sounds, objects, voices calling him. The doctor said if he is, it will most likely be on the lighter side.

Some of the other concerns are his mood swings and how quickly they change and explode over nothing. They want to monitor those as well to see if it is a personality trait (yay for me!) or something more.

I did ask before we left to draw labs, if there was a chance these health conditions could have been caused in utero. I have frequently worried and blamed myself for his health problems. I had a stomach infection when I got pregnant and before I knew I was carrying this beautiful baby boy I began the medication packs to clean it all up. The meds were not safe meds for pregnancy. Then you add on the blood thinner injections and the reflux medication and I have beat myself up over what I could have done to him before he was ever born. It is a horrible feeling. The doctor assured me that there was nothing I could have done to create these problems, they are genetic...whatever he is dealing with. I need not worry about how I damaged my child's health and future and well being before he even had a chance to breathe his first breath.

That gives me a sense of peace (a small one but I will take it). After four miscarriages, you begin to wonder what you hae done wrong and the next time vow to be perfect. You strive in every fasion to be perfect, eat perfectly, sleep/drink/exercise perfectly. Nothing is out of place and at the frist sign of something wrong you rush straight to the doctor because the thought of losing another precious child is more than you can bare. That was/is me. I stay tonight, wondering what "we" are missing in his diagnosis. I am praying, pleading with God to heal him and I believe He will and is doing it right now in front of me.

Please pray with me, my husband and my family that God would allow these tests to come back clean, that the IGE that was way high would come back normal and the doctors would scratch their heads and chalk him up to a medical mystery. Thank you thus far for all the prayers, advice and well wishes. We appreciate them so much!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

A day of Rest

Today at church the pastor spoke about rest. How it is a gift that has been given to us from God and we should not feel bad using it because really, He commanded us to. I have thought about this a lot today. I am so quick to say, "I can't right now, I have too much to do. When I am done we can do ....." or "I don't have time to relax, there is too much to do. I can relax when I am done...which will probably be when I am dead".

God wants us to STOP doing our "TO-DO" list and rest. To meditate, take in His wonderous creation, enjoy the children and family He has given. Today, I did that. I needed to pack up our things but I didn't. I needed to work on a benefit and block part but I didn't. I needed to finish the cleaning and laundry that I didn't finish yesterday...but I didn't. It was a slow, relaxing day; and I loved it!

The pastor also said, "Our life is not determined by our work. Our self worth is not determined by our work. Our success is not determined by our work." Nothing is determined by where we work, how much we make, how far we have excelled on the corporate ladder. It doesn't matter. That is not what God created us for. When you face struggles in life, they do not define who you are or your success/failure in life. When you experience unemployment, take the time to see what God has planned for your life; what you are destined for. Those things are important. He will provide the job and the money and the right amount of success.

I loved this sermon. It was so inspiring and talked to my heart so deeply. I am going to try and make my resolution for the rest of this year to focus on what God has for me and be proud of my accomplishments that He has ordained. It is ok for me to put motherhood first and to enjoy it. It is ok for me to want to strive to be a Godly wife. This doesn't mean that I may win the mother of the year or stepford wife award each day but that is ok. As long as I strive for my best, cherish every moment as though it were my last and rest when He gives that time to me, then I am fulfilling His plan for my life at that moment.

This has spoken to my heart and I hope that some part of it has spoken to yours. May you have a blessed week and have moments to cherish.