Why Can't They Just Stay Little

I am still sitting here awake. I just have way too much on my mind and I am honestly dreading going to lay down. So in the mean time I have been reading blogs and watching videos posted to FB and catching up on my friends' lives.

I have a friend who just posted her son's first video at 2 weeks old! He is precious and I want to hold him and smell his baby sweetness. He is precious.

Another friend just posted on facebook that she is FINALLY in the hospital and 7cm! I am so excited for them as they prepare to welcome into this world their third child and second daughter. I can't wait to go meet her and find out what her name will be. ;)

I also found a sister mom who lost a child recently to still birth. It breaks my heart that any parent should have to lose their child. I have been having such a hard hard time with this lately. I miss my four children so bad. I have been overwhelmed with emotions this past week of missing them so badly it gives me pains in my chest and makes my body ache for the children I can no longer hold, laugh with, play with, learn with....it just sucks. I desperately want to have more children but I don't see how I will ever get to be pregnant again. That hurts and I pray every day and spend time in God's word trying to find peace and acceptance and happiness for the ability to move on to the next step in life and close the door on infant childhood in our house.

It is SO SO hard. I don't want it to be over. I want to wake up several times a night. Have spit up and streaming diapers flying out at me. I want to snuggle the innocent sweetness of a newborn child that only God has entrusted to me.

I wish in the same token that my two children now would slow down just a bit. Braedon moves at such speed 24/7! He never slows down. I miss the time when he would snuggle up because he wasn't feeling good at all (though I don't miss the reason behind the snuggles) or when he was so tiny that I was all he needed.

I miss my Caileigh monkey thinking I was just amazing and wanting to play and spend time with me without the arguing. We are at the stage of testing our limits, discovering what she can decide to do and what she is required to do as a member of this family.

Then there are moments. Moments that take my breath away for how small they are and how I wish I could just freeze time for a bit to enjoy it. It goes by too fast. I need it to slow down because I won't be able to get it back again. Yesterday after church, we were talking about the service (it was on adoption), she asked if we could adopt a girl so she could have a baby sister to play dolls with. She said, "Mom, I think you should adopt a little girl. You would make an great mom to a little girl. You have one already and have done a really great job." It melted my heart. I want so much to be able to give her a little sister. Someone she can play dolls and dressup with. That can go shopping with her and watch girly movies with. A sister, like mine, who can get ready for the school dances with her. SHe would have made and EXCELLENT big sister to a little sister. Don't get me wrong, she makes an excellent sister to a little brother too. They absolutely adore each other. Braedon misser her so much when she is gone or simply just not in sight.

I love my children. I wish they could slow down for just a bit so I can hold on to these days for just a little bit longer. I never want to forget a moment of them.