Sunday, February 27, 2011

It's Just Not Fun!--mix and ramble

Those are the words I hear from my daughter quite frequently when she is opposed to obeying and following directions.

"Why didn't you put your things away when you brought them to your room like I asked instead of throwing them on your bed?" -- "Because it's just not fun Mom."

Sometimes it just drives me crazy! Then I find myself telling God the same thing. I hear Him echo "Just wait, be patient and content, you will see everything work out in MY time."

I know God but it's just not fun!

I have not slept the last 3 days, actually sleeping for me for a while has been a difficult and unpleasant task. I am exhausted but toss all night long. The last 3 days my mind has been so preoccupied.

My grandfather is in hospice. He has cancer; has had cancer for the better part of 15 or so years. I remember he lost a kidney to cancer when I was 13. When I was 21 he was diagnosed with lung cancer which spread to tumors on his heart as well. He has defied all odds medically speaking and is even in the medical journal from 3 years ago. It's amazing God has kept him here this long and it makes me wonder why.

There are so many things I could see God using this time for. Some of which have happened and others, I realize it's not God's will. The doctors aren't giving him more than a day or two at best now. They made the decision to increase his morphine Friday so he is no longer eating or drinking; it shouldn't be too much longer.

While I am relieved he will not be suffering anymore, I have so much reserved hurt and pain from our relationship and pain I have harbored from the past. Prayers that for whatever reason were not answered how I wanted them to be and that is hard to understand.

I am anxious today for God to take him and that makes me feel guilty. You see, my mom is out there with my aunt right now. I took them to the airport Wednesday to fly out to Arizona. My mom is also very sick and was scheduled for a series of tests and scans to be done this past Friday. She has not had them done. My dad fears she has a bleeding ulcer (She's had one before and the doctors are now VERY concerned as she has been having complications since Christmas) and it is to the point where she cannot get up on her feet for more than a few minutes. ***may be TMI but this is a journal for me and she could use prayers*** She is passing redigested blood (black stools) and this is constant. My dad is worried she will be in the hospital too. Even more so, he is worried because as a boy he sat by his dad as he died and this was the last week's events before his death.

She refuses to be seen until after the funeral because she knows they will admit her. I am worried and trying to pray it over to God. I want to be with her but I can't take Caileigh out of school. Caileigh has been sick nearly every week, throwing up and then better immediatley following; that has me worried but the doctors think it's just coinsidence.

Soapy is always gone and that has me strung out a bit (As I know it does him too). I miss him. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want him here to make the decisions so I don't have to. I am trying to find care support for the kids while I teach after-school but it has become difficult so I am taking Caileigh with me and that means pulling her out 15 minutes early. I am worried that is going to get me in trouble but I don't know what else to do. I can't stop working, we need the money. I can't leave here there in the office for 30 minutes either.

I want to be able to turn all the worry over to God. I know I NEED to do this. I just don't know how. I need to get up and get ready to take us all to church, I want to be in church to feel a sense of peace but honestly I don't want to be around people. I don't want to pretend to smile and laugh when others ask "So how's your day?". I want to tell them honestly how it is without the shocked looks or the avoiding responses.

"I AM OK!" I really want to scream! I am just stuck in a spot right now that has me growing and sometimes it's "just not fun". I'm tired and just need some answers. I will be ok, God's will ultimately will take over. My grandpa will go to heaven soon and I will be able to work things out emotionally over time and with God's grace. If things get much worse I am relying on people around her to force her to the hospital. God will lead me to discover what Caileigh's problem is and why Braedon's doctors can't diagnos him. He will bring my husband home and help me move forward.

Right now it is just tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel and keep my mind focused on that light. I will be ok, "It's just not fun".

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing ALL the details... I hadn't put everything together - maybe because I've been pretty wrapped up in my own stuff. Anyway, I am here for you, friend. Anything I can do, please let me know.

    Love you, friend.