This week is such a sensitive week for me, each year. Ever since I was a little girl, I have had an unreal realization of what Holy Week is all about. Maybe it was hearing the story read each year, going to the Good Friday services, watching the Passion plays (I am sure the "guard" that ripped Rainbow Bright from my terrified hands as he walked down the aisle when I was 5 years old didn't help)....who knows. But as a child I had it in my mind that when Good Friday rolled around and noon hit....that was it. NO. MORE. JESUS!
That's right, I convinced myself that each year from noon on Good Friday until sunrise on Easter, Jesus took a break and the world was on their own. Not even the comfort of knowing my parents were there could help me. I would lay awake until I absolutely passed out praying God would send Jesus back soon or that the sun would just come up. Somehow seeing the promise of light renewed my strength that this weekend was almost over and the joy of Christ's ressurection was almost here.
I was the first to jump out of bed on Easter to get dressed and go to church. Forget the Easter Bunny, I wanted my dad up and dressed, driving me to church so we could set up the sound for sunrise service (my parents were very active in the music ministry...thus meaning my sister and I followed suit). When those first rays of sunshine peaked through the clouds I could breathe. It's like I tried to carry the weight of the world on my tiny shoulders for three days....
That is a lot of weight!!!
I have since grown out of this misconception but it is something I always reflect on each year. God's shoulders must be pretty tired! The burden I tried to put on myself was unbearable and I was only a kid, trying to deal with the weight of my world. I am so blessed to have the Lord on my side; he is always there.
It is me who is not always there and for this I am struggling right now. This week Braedon is having some procedures done at Childrens' Hospital in Denver. I am a wreck to say the least. I can't shake this feeling of complete and utter panic like fear that there is something the doctors are missing. These tests Thursday he has not done well with in the past, he has had reactions to the anesthesia and that has me extremely nervous. Once again, I am trying to carry the weight of my world on my shoulders instead of giving it to God.
All the way to Denver today I kept repeating in my head, "Let your will be my will, let Your ways be my ways. Lord, let Your will be done in my life and in Braedon's life. Lord, I committ my child to you." --I mean it most of the time but it sure would be nice if I meant it all of the time. I so badly desire to align my life with God's purpose for me; fear and insecurity hold me back. What if I disappoint Him? What if I can't do what he calls me to do perfectly? What if the adjustments I have to make (referencing a book study, Experiencing God, that our small group is doing and I plan on touching on each week as I work through this journey) are greater than what I think I can stand? What if those adjustments meant giving up control of my children and the well being I think is best for them to be God's idea for their well being? What if God's idea is not what I want? How can I be at peace with this???
How was Jesus able to be at peace with "this" -the "Thy will be done" thing? How could he sit there knowing he would be crucified and not run away? He could have, he was fully capable of that decision. How was He able to give it all to God and voluntarily walk into all the pain he had to experience? How could he hang from the cross and in one breath ask God why he had been forsaken and then give himself wholly over to his Father? How?? I WANT THAT PEACE!!!!!!!!
I want to be able to give up control. I want to be able to breathe easily at night when I got to bed knowing God's "got this". I want to be able to sit calmly through Braedon's procedure Thursday not anxious over the outcome. I want to give God all my worries and pain for I am too tired to carry their heavy burden any longer.
LORD, please take these from me. Renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence Lord. You know the plans you have for me, for Caileigh, for Braedon, for Soapy. They are plans to prosper and not to harm, to give hope. Allow me to give up control over the plans for our lives and rest in the peace of knowing that whatever the end result, it was Your plan from the beginning; before I was ever created in my mother's womb.
Lord, let thy will be done.