Today has been a wonderful day but also a distracting one too. Today was Caileigh's first field trip to the pumpkin patch (pictures to come this weekend). I was able to go along as a dear friend of mine volunteered to watch Braedon all day! It was so refreshing to see her so happy and full of life. She was so excited to be out playing with friends and trying things that normally she would have past up out of fear. It was so rewarding to see. I was so blessed to be able to witness that and share in the fun. We picked pumpkins, took hay rides, went through mazes, pet animals and go down hay slides. Such a wonderful day.
Even though it was a wonderful day full of positive uplifting moments I was distracted and melancholy. Today is Pregnancy Infant Loss Day, as is the whole month as a rememberance and awareness month. This past week has been extremely emotional for me for some reason. I have had my Angel on my mind a lot. I sat down last night and wrote a letter and two "songs" (they are a work in progress and once finished I will post them). I cried as I wrote it and then sat and cried some more. I miss "her" so much! It will be two years since we found there was no longer a heartbeat and I had a D&C performed next week. It still kills me. I don't want it to be true. The words of "abortion" still run through my head, these were the terms used to describe the reason for my D&C (even though it was NOT an abortion, there was no longer a heartbeat and it was the hardest thing for me to do).
I have accepted that God has taken my little Angel, and my other three babies to Heaven and that some day (prayerfully many many years down the road) I will be able to meet them face to face. It is still hard though. To wonder what they would look like, what type of personality would they have, what things would they like, what are there favorite foods/colors/games to play.
I think this is why maybe I want more children. I think part of me is trying to convince myself that more children would fill that void, that pain, that hurt. It won't. I don't want to the baby phase to be over, I am not ready but I have to be ready.
I think that is why I am having such a hard time letting go of Caileigh (I am still having a hard time with her in school, though I don't show it to her) and why Braedon's closely approaching birthday has my stomach in knots. I am not ready for him to grow up yet; he can't.
I can rest knowing God is taking care of them (and us). I know He has a purpose for these babies and for me. I know He will help use me in service to Him in this area of struggle and pain. I pray that as that day comes and I am able to realize a call to service that He grants me the correct words and timing.
I pray tonight for all the women who have lost their children. I feel guilty beign so sad when I know there are women that have to give up their baby days, weeks, years after their birth. I have only had to do it while pregnant; it still hurts though .
I miss you Angel but I am so glad that you are in Heaven sitting with your Dennie and Grandpa Shelton watching us and helping to protect us.