You can skip over this post if you want. It was more or less a way for me to get my thoughts and feeling on "paper" and to have later as I look back on life. I just need to say it so maybe it will help resolve. If anyone reads this, please pray for me. I am having a hard time dealing with this and it makes me angry. I dont want to hurt over this anymore. I am so happy and blessed to have my two children, especially Braedon after all the miscarriages. That makes me angry that I cannot let it go when I have been blessed with these two beautiful children.
It's been two years since I had to say goodbye to you. I feel silly sometimes hurting so much over a baby I never held, you weren't even in my for that long. I never got to feel you kick or watch you suck your thumb. I heard your heartbeat though and for 12 weeks I knew you were mine!
But I was wrong; you weren't mine. You, just like all my children, are God's. He took you just like he took the others for reasons I don't understand.
I never wanted a big family but if I could have God grant a wish it would be to have all my children back. I think maybe that's why I wanted to get pregnant again and was upset about Daddy's surgery. I know it's not true but somehow I guess I feel like having another baby would bring you back or fill the hole you left. I know now after having your brother that your spot can't be filled no matter how many babies I have.
I miss you, so much. It hurts still so bad. I hoped that hurt would go away but it doesn't. I remember my time with you like it just happened. I remember the details of what I wore, where we went, the doctors' appts, telling your sister, hearing your heartbeat, seeing you jump around, and not hearing your heartbeat.
I remember sitting there crying and how wonderful Caileigh was just hugging my foot. I remember calling your Daddy and driving 4 hours to go pick him up. I remember that morning signing permission for them to take you from me. I hated it! I wanted to keep you, forever. I cried and hurt; I still do.
I think about you all the time and wish I could have held you, even for a moment. Did you look like me? Did you have my button nose and your Daddy's eyes and smile? Was I to have another little girl like I suspect you were??
Why couldn't you stay? What job has God given you up there? Are you running and playing? Do you sing and help take care of the animals? Please tell the others I love them and miss them. Please watch out for these children down here hurting and sick. I pray God will let you watch over us too.
I love you and miss you so much but am so thankful I got a second chance at giving life to a child. Caileigh and Braedon are my world here and I am so lucky to have them. I love you and someday I will be able to hold you and see how beautiful God created you.