Two years ago today Caileigh and I sat at the OB's office as they did a routine ultrasound and found there was not a heartbeat. Two years ago today I lay there on the examining table as he told me he was sorry and to take all the time I needed. Really? All the time I needed??? Well, I still need time. Is that fair? I sat there that day crying, wondering how I was going to call my husband and tell him while he was working out of town. How was I going to call my family and tell them that yet again, we had lost our baby. One thing I did not have to wonder was how I was going to tell Caileigh she would not be a big sister.
Caileigh sat there and she knew. She picked up that this time, there was not a rapid thumping resonating through the room. She knew when I started crying something was wrong. She so sweetly and innocently stood there, hugging my foot while I layed there and cried. She held me, my 3 year old held me. She was my rock that afternoon as we drove to another office for a second ultrasound to confirm what the first doctor found. They did and she sat quietly and patiently waiting.
The next couple days were the worst. It happened on a Friday so I had to wait until Monday morning to go in for a D & C. When I got there and started filling out the paperwork I had the hardest time. I couldn't do it. I had to sign a paper listing my procedure as an abortion. I LOST MY BABY! I wanted to scream at the lady behind the desk that I was not giving her away, I had lost her. My body wasn't letting her go, every part of me wanted that baby.
Later that Christmas season Caileigh needed me. She came and asked me why the baby had to die and why she could not be a big sister. She asked if she could be a baby in my tummy again so God could take her to heaven too to be a big sister. I wanted to die, I was torn for my sweet daughter who was obviously hurting more than I realized. I was hurting for that bond that she had with our unborn baby and the fact that our baby would not be able to know her big sister's love.
It still hurts and I am still torn. Caileigh drew a picture the other day of our family and included an angel baby with wings. She said that was her sister in heaven. We both have been having a hard time I guess this week. I sat down last week and wrote two songs (in progress mind you...they are nowhere near complete but I hope to make them that way soon) and a letter to my precious little Angel. I am hoping these will help heal the hurt that I thought I had come to grips with and accepted and had moved past. Do you ever move past this? Ihave accepted it, and I know some day I will see all 4 of my miscarried children there but will I ever not hurt over it?
Here are the two songs:
Angel of Mine
How could I know I would miss you this much?
I barely knew you but it was instant love the moment I met you.
You weren't even born but my love for you had grown far more than I knew.
I dreamt of your smile, your laugh, the sparkle in your eyes.
I imagined your first cry,
I saw your first steps,
They all play over in my mind.
Why did you have to go?
Your father and I miss you so.
I wonder what you'd have been like,
my heart, his eyes.
I pray for you each night and day,
Wishing God didn't take you away.
Please know that we love you,
Your brother and sister too.
Sweet Angel of mine.
There's a song in my heart
That I know I've heard before.
It bekons me to call
On the Onw who knows my heart!
Lord, You are my hope, You are my strength.
You are the One who knows my pain.
Lord build me up, show me Your way.
Please take this pain away.
Don't let this define me,
But let it remind me of Your miraculous unfailing love.