Sunday, October 18, 2009

Still Awake

Tomorrow marks 2 years since I lost my last miscarriage. I am still awake. I can't sleep. I haven't slept all week because for some reason my mind is fixed on this date, on this memory and I am greatly burdened. I am conflicted because I don't feel I should be so sad.  I have two wonderful and beautiful children. God has blessed be before and after this loss with a precious child. I don't feel I have the right to be sad that I am missing out on this child but, I am sad.
I have had 4 miscarriages but out of them all, this one has stayed with me. I remember the exact date I realized I was pregnant, the exact date I found out there was no heartbeat and the day I had to rid my body of my lifeless baby. I remember every moment of the last two days as though it happened yesterday and I hate that. I don't want to remember. Not the pain, not the loss, not the humiliation as I walked into church and saw all my pregnant friends and had people talk about my pregnant belly. I felt LOST, EMPTY, BARREN, SAD. I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide and sometimes I still do.
If it wasn't for Caileigh sitting there with me as the doctor told me what I had already seen on the ultrasound screen, there was no heartbeat, my baby was dead, I don't know what I would have done. She sat and hugged my foot as I cried. She sat and hugged me as we waited for the second ultrasound. She cuddled me that night and all weekend as I sat and thought about what was to come Monday.
Monday came and I hated it. I had to sign my name to a paper that labeled my D/C as a result of an abortion. I layed there in the bed and waited for the doctor and the anesthesiologist to come and begin. They came in and tried to be very nice about explaining the procedure. I was given the anesthetics and began to cry as I knew it would all be over with in a short while. I remember telling Soapy, "I am so sorry." My first words as I came out of the anesthesia was, "I lost my baby, I don't have it any more. I am so sorry." And those are the words that I have heard every day this week.
I am still awake hearing these words. I can't sleep. I wish I didn't have to remember this. I don't want to forget my baby and have the ultrasound picture with me and an ornament that I bought after the loss. It doesn't take the place of having that child in my arms right now.
I fear letting my son grow up, either one of my kids to get too far away from me. I don't want to lose them. I know they are in God's hands and He is taking care of them and their future. It is up to Him as to how they live their lives. I find myself still wanting more children and I think part of that reason (not all because I have been able to sort my thoughts) is due to wanting to fill that hole.  I think a small part of me feels that if I can have another one it will make the pain go away but it won't. No child can take that baby's place.
I miss my baby. I know God has a hand in every part ofmy life and there is a reason why that child did not live here on earth. I know some day I will be able to meet this child along with the other three in Heaven.

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